What's In The Question?

It's been awhile. Well, awhile since I attempted to take my notes and organize them into a hopefully, coherent and organized manner. But I have continued through the Old Testament. It has been a few months since I wandered with the children of Israel in the wilderness and sympathized with their struggles. I can just imagine the feeling of elation they felt in their release. I can tell you that my natural tendency upon hearing Moses relate the Lord's promises (along with Israel's part if they were to receive those promises) would have been to focus on the promise of the "land flowing with milk and honey." I could just imagine taking all that I thought unfairly denied me in Egypt, and dreaming of my own home and land, where happy children have the care of a mother who doesn't have to leave each day to fill a tally of bricks. Who are not mocked, or perhaps pressed into child labor, by wealthier, entitled Egyptians. Where I dress is nice clothing, eat delicious food, and, in short, have a good life. A good life that includes the freedom to worship the God I love. It is a good dream- the best I can build- so I would just assume it was what the Lord saw as best, too. I can imagine myself filling my thoughts with that dream, so much so that Moses' further instructions, or even the voice of the Lord as it echoed off Mount Sinai, would not penetrate. And so, yes, I can imagine wondering over the delays and often deadly difficulties, questioning the Lord's love, and getting angry and increasingly bitter over my dream not being fulfilled.

It's easy for me to imagine because, though I have never been to Egypt or walked the desert of Sinai, I was raised by parents who had faith in Christ, and had several moments growing up when I was sure of my faith. Yet, as I faced some of the inevitable difficulties of adult life, I found an increasing number of moments when I questioned the very existence of God and the identity of Jesus Christ as Savior and Redeemer of the world. As the difficulties did not resolve in the way I felt answered my righteous prayers and expectations, those moments turned into days, and the days turned into weeks and months. The world began to be a very dreary wilderness, indeed, and, as I felt the faith of my childhood had failed me, I began to search elsewhere. But, I found nothing satisfying. I finally decided that if I was going to find some peace, and live my life with honesty and integrity, I needed to have my name removed from the records of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I felt I didn't believe in Christ, let alone know or, even really believe, that any church was His church. And so, I informed my concerned friends and family and made the requisite appointment with the bishop to get the ball rolling. I walked into that office defiantly confident, and walked out somewhat stunned.

My discussion with that bishop that first night (whose name I've completely forgotten) led me to one sure introspective insight. In all my reading, searching and analyzing, in all my questioning- I had never really treated the scriptures as a source book. I read the words of Buddha, Mohamed, Darwin, old and new age philosophers with an "open mind," carefully evaluating and looking for information that "felt true".  But the scriptures?  Those I had consistently approached like I would now approach a primary reader- like I had learned all they had to teach and I just reviewed them because that was part of practicing my faith. That bishop seemed to have taken a different approach.  True, he looked terrified and shaken when I announced my reason for being there, and then he took a deep breath and asked if we could open with prayer.  After the prayer, the terror was gone from his eyes, and he seemed to emanate a quiet strength and calm assurance. My background professionally had seen me spending hours writing legal arguments- trying to make a case which could not be successfully argued against. I guess you could say I used a similar approach in searching out the truth, but that approach just seemed to have no place in our discussion that night. He listened intently, and I didn't feel he was trying to prove anything, but simply share with me his best understanding. He would pause after I had my say, be quiet for a moment and then without reference to notes or the topical guide, turn to a scripture. I kept wondering at the fact that most of the scriptures sounded unfamiliar to me- how could that be when his set of scriptures looked just like mine! Could it be that I really did not know what I was rejecting? He ended that visit with a scripture I was very familiar with:

If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God who giveth to all men liberally and upbraideth not.(James 1:5)

Not lacking wisdom, in my own estimation, meant that when circumstances, including, the choices of others, prevented the unfolding of the life I prayed, worked, and hoped for, it had to be because God wasn't there or didn't care. It effectively shut my ears and eyes to the possibility that God may have had a higher purpose and wisdom in not facilitating my life unfolding as I directed. It also meant that when I looked at the commandments of God, I did from a perspective of believing I had wisdom sufficiently equal with His to evaluate why he might have given a command. Then I could decide if, in my equally valid wisdom, I should obey it. But what if His perspective and wisdom were infinitely greater than mine? What if, as the Lord declares:  

My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways…for as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8-9)

I began to consider that if that were indeed the case, then it would follow that my current view of my own wisdom was essentially a self made barrier blocking out any communication from the Lord that sought to teach me answers that went beyond or above my current thoughts or habits.  Intriguing thought, but how to know if such were indeed the case- according to that same bishop there was only one way- ask.  And so I did, after I returned home from another visit two weeks later, thinking, "This is it, the last try!"

I asked the same questions I had asked before. I used many of the same words. The only thing I could pinpoint as varying at all from my previous attempts was a marked shift in my purpose. If truth was to be had, I wanted it for itself. I had already decided it was worth leaving the faith of my childhood behind. But now I was equally willing to, as I so eloquently put it then, eat a large heaping of crow, if I was wrong. Things that seemed so important even a few weeks before- winning the argument, proving I was right, not appearing a fool to others and having their respect for my intelligence- didn't disappear. They were just eclipsed by my primary motivation to be open to truth, if it was to be had, and then treasuring that truth and building my life around it. No, the outward wrapping of the prayer I uttered that night was not noticeably different from previous prayers, but what was in those questions- my intent, my most earnest desire, my purpose- was different and that made all the difference in what I received.

It has been close to 17 years since that night, and I can find no better words to describe my experience, than the ones I used that very evening. It was as if a shutter that had been darkening my world was ripped off and light poured in. Yes, I received a witness that God is real, Jesus Christ is real. He is the Savior and Redeemer of the world. His love for us is beyond comprehension. With equal force came a witness that Joseph Smith was and is a prophet of God and the Book of Mormon is God's word and gift. I got those answers, but perhaps the most pivotal thing I was taught was that I had been repeatedly given those same answers! I had brought forcefully to mind several times along the course of my life when -no I had not imagined it- I had felt a portion of the same light that now poured into my mind. The problem hadn't been with whether the answers were given. Rather, it was with the narrow, wise in my own eyes, restrictions I had put on what and how I would receive. And I knew that I could -if I didn't immediately begin to build my life around the real and vivid answer I had received and I fell back into the same habits-  reach a point where what was undeniably real seemed just as doubtful as my previous answers. The Lord in his infinite love and wisdom was gives all His children the additional gift of choosing what to do with all He gives.

Habits can be hard to change, and I have repeatedly marveled at the personal love and attention shown to me that night in impressing on my soul the difference I make to the answers I will receive. My natural tendencies are such that as I have wandered with the children of Israel, I can easily understand how they could have seen the Lord's power in Egypt, and then when the Egyptian army approached asked accusingly:

Wherefore hast thou dealt thus with us, to carry us for out of Egypt? For it had been better for us to serve the Egyptians, than we should die in the wilderness.(Exodus 14:11-12) (What's in the question: We followed the Lord (or was it just Moses?) here and now we face an even greater threat. We don't see how it can work out except in our deaths! We should have never followed him.)

See how the narrow focus on how they thought God should do His job, if he was indeed with them, closed them off from receiving and enjoying the peaceful witness like that Elisha, in an equally dire position, enjoyed some many years later:

Fear not, for they that be with us are more than they that be with them. (2 Kings 6:16)

Yes, they still saw his power manifest, but for all those with narrow focus, the benefits seemed to evaporate like mist.  After passing triumphantly through the Red Sea, they discovered a lack of food and water. It was not comfortable. It was possibly life threatening. It was, again, not what they expected!

Is the Lord among us or not? (Exodus 17:7) (What's in the question: If the Lord was with us we should be well fed, comfortable, and well on our way to the promised lands without these life threatening problems. We have unexpected problems, therefore we doubt the Lord is with us.)

Again they kept their focus narrowed on how they thought God should do His job, and were not open to learning about, understanding and living with joyous appreciation of the far better, eternally better, gifts they were offered. He did provide, but for many those gifts did not lead to the promised lands. Many did die miserably wandering in a wilderness. Sobering things to consider. It creates, for me, a wonderful visual to evaluate what is going into the questions I put to the Lord. When I feel that life has become somewhat barren and dreary, I often find what is in my questions are similar to those of the Israelites - more focused on instructing the Lord than learning from him. It is a challenging habit to break, this leveling of accusations in the form of question, but it is possible and it gets easier.  Just as I learned from that bishop so long ago, the first step is to search His words. In them the Lord himself repeatedly tells us how to do it.  On the day the Isrealites left Egypt they were instructed: 

Remember this day...for by the strength of hand the Lord brought you out from this place.  (Exodus 13:13 also see Deuteronomy 32:7)

Remember.  Remember, in those moments when hurt, surprise, grief, and struggle feel heavy I that I don't know everything yet.  Remember the light and answer that came when I left my heart and mind open and willing to learn. Remember how it does come again as I turn away from hurling accusations in the form of questions and open my ears to listen.  Remember the bone deep certainty I now feel that what Heavenly Father has in mind for me is far greater than what I imagine for myself. If the mortal veil could be peeled back for just a moment and I could see in entirety what the Lord sees and knows about my life, I would with breathless gratitude, joy, and awe say, "oh yes- its so much more than I imagined- lets do it your way."

When that is what is in and behind my questions - well it makes all the difference.

Infinite

Got a new word for you- "Egyptomania." It is the term given to the near obsession with ancient Egypt that the western world has exhibited, at one time or another over the last millennia.  Perhaps then, it is no surprise that when I began to read all the books on history and folklore available to an elementary student, one time and place was the clear winner in volume of material and especially really, really cool pictures! Ancient Egypt! I vividly remember using empty Clorox bottles, gold spray paint, and cheap plastic gems to make an Egyptian type headdress. My latter elementary years were definitely a period of intense Egyptomania.

I'm sure my intense fascination with Egypt is the reason my first memories of watching "The Ten Commandments" and reading about the plagues, Passover and exodus, are of wondering about the Egyptians. Certainly not all Egyptians were cruel. In fact the Egyptians strongly believed in an afterlife, the quality of which depended on living a good, moral, service oriented life in this world. One of the Egyptian goddesses (whose headdress I found most unimpressive) is Maat. Maat's headdress was an ostrich feather. One of her chief jobs was to interview and decide the fate of the newly deceased. She had a scale and on one side of the scale she put her feather. The newly deceased had their heart placed on the other side. If they had lived a life filled with good actions toward others- not lying, cheating, stealing, adultery, etc.- then their heart would be "lighter than (Maat's) feather" and they would pass on to the hall of Horus and a happy afterlife. If, however, their heart was weighed down by deceit and the hurt they had caused others, then their heart would be cut up and fed to the destroyer. The point was that when it came time to have your heart weighed, you could not lie or cheat, so it was important to live with virtue in this life.

Just as we see in "Christian" societies, not everyone who belongs to a certain religion strives to live up to its ideals. The courts of the pharaohs, like most royal courts, were filled with intrigues, lies and betrayals. But just as surely there were Egyptians, everyday Egyptians, who took living virtuous lives seriously. I can see one of them. A young women- a devout follower of her namesake, Maat. She is the daughter of a prosperous landowner, and cattle merchant. She grows up to marry the son of a local business man who has become rich providing bricks and building material for huge public building projects. She has two small children, a 5 year old daughter and a delightful 3 year old boy. She loves her family, even her mother-in-law- and often gives to the poor. While hostessing dinner parties for her husband she has heard talk of how justified the pharaohs work tax on the Israelites is, because of all that Egypt has done for them. She hears that these policies are not only helping the economy, but are a wise pharaoh's way of ensuring national security. She is not always comfortable with the policies of pharaoh regarding the Israelites, and she knows she is not alone in this, but who is she to know best. And so, she goes on, just trying to live her life the best, most virtuous that she can.

One day she hears her father-in-law talking about a request made for the Israelites to go into the desert to worship their god. He is suspicious of their request- are they planning to go into the desert, join with one of Egypt's Canaanite enemies and return to conquer them? Why can't they worship here? They have lived here for generations. More than that- can you imagine how much money we would lose if they stop their allotted work tax for even a few days? We can't afford it! And their representative, Moses, has promised that Egypt will suffer if they don't let them go. Anyway you look at it; these people have not become Egyptians and are more and more a threat. It is a good thing Pharaoh is not about to let them walk all over us!

Over the course of the next few weeks life turns upside down. Her orderly house is infested with frogs, lice, and flies. There is a shortage of fresh water and she worries about her children getting sick. She is so busy trying to hold life together that she has no time to volunteer. Then she hears that her father had been ruined- his cattle all died from some mysterious malady. He is not alone; even Pharaoh's cattle are dead. But the Israelites' herds are fine. She has been praying with extra fervor to Maat, to Horus and Isis, too, but things are getting worse and worse. She hears talk of the Hebrew meaning of the title "Israelite". It means "one who prevails through God." Could the Israelite god be stronger than the Egyptian deities? No! There is no god is stronger than Pharaoh, who has the support of all the Egyptian deities. Not only has her physical world fallen apart, but for the first time she wonders about her spiritual beliefs.

Then one night, there is knocking. She hears yelling, and so leaves the side of her sleeping son to find out what is going on. She sees her father-in-law yelling at an Israelite man. She recognizes him as a man who has had to, on occasion, visit one of the food banks she has worked at as a volunteer. She hears the man say he knows they are good people and he is just trying to help and save them from grief. Her father-in-law angrily tells him to take his heathen practices and get out! After he closes the door, she asks her father-in-law what has happened. He tells her there is nothing to worry about- the gods of Egypt are greater that the god of the Hebrews. The next morning she wakes up to a mother's and wife's worst nightmare- the death of her husband and her son. In her grief, she is hardly aware of the political and historical events we call The Exodus.

Although this young women is a fictional character, she became very real for me in that she represents countless lives lived with honorable intent that have been torn apart by circumstances beyond their control. But, in her case, God freely takes the credit for the circumstances that shattered her life. But then again He freely acknowledges that he is all powerful, so in a sense nothing happens, but what he, at the very least, allows it. How does one make sense of a God who "so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son" and who is "no respecter of persons," and a God who allows such grief and injustice?(John 3:16, Acts 10:34) With questions like this a seemingly instinctive part of my thought processes, I certainly have struggled with feelings of outrage and being overwhelmed, on behalf of others, it's true, but especially when I felt circumstances were less than just in my own life.

I did find some peace in admitting that part of the issue was how much of a gap there is between my understanding and knowledge and the Lords. One experience, which relied on so many others, awaked in me a bone deep certainty that real problem is not God, a lack in his reality, his justice, his love, or any other attribute, but instead a lack in how much I really know.  It happened several years after I realized that I "lacked wisdom," and, through sincere study of the scriptures and pray, took the Lord up on his offer to teach me "line upon line." I was sitting in my office attempting my nightly scripture study. I was thinking about that family of robins. ("Of Babies and Birds" or "Personal Parables") I had recently discovered that the baby did survive- and that the parents felt anything but gratitude towards me. Their obvious assumptions of my thoughts and desires towards them were so far from what I really felt. Their reaction weighed heavy on my mind as I struggled with feelings precariously close to rage and despair. In my thoughts some anger was directed towards my husband, for the long hours he was putting in at his job, when spring sports, school and church activities involving three children and only one parent meant- well, I didn't get it all done and still didn't have time to breath. But I had to honestly recognize that most of what felt overwhelming could not be blamed on any human individual.

A few years prior a family tragedy had occurred, the memory of which still woke me in the night. A few months prior my father had passed away and I discovered that grief, no matter how well prepared you think you are, is a difficult experience. My grief for myself was augmented by a few situations of patent injustice I had become involved with through church service and raw physical pain from chronic health concerns. I was completely overwhelmed; feelings of hurt, anger, and helplessness seemed to course in waves through me. "Please, please, please," Kept running through my mind. I was flipping through the scriptures, but nothing seemed to register, until I hit Isaiah 63: 5.

And I looked, and there was none to help; and I wondered that there was none to uphold.

I looked at it carefully. Yes, it is a messianic scripture, in which the Savior speaks in first person of his mission and mortal experience. It suddenly occurred to me that if striving to be loving and caring meant you could be let down and hurt- no one hurt more deeply than the Savior. What I gained insight into in that moment was recently expounded perfectly by one of the Savior anointed apostles:

Now I speak very carefully, even reverently, of what may have been the most difficult moment in all of this solitary journey to Atonement. I speak of those final moments for which Jesus must have been prepared intellectually and physically but which He may not have fully anticipated emotionally and spiritually—that concluding descent into the paralyzing despair of divine withdrawal when He cries in ultimate loneliness, “My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46)


The loss of mortal support He had anticipated, but apparently He had not comprehended this. …With all the conviction of my soul I testify that He did please His Father perfectly and that a perfect Father did not forsake His Son in that hour. Indeed, it is my personal belief that in all of Christ’s mortal ministry the Father may never have been closer to His Son than in these agonizing final moments of suffering. Nevertheless, that the supreme sacrifice of His Son might be as complete as it was voluntary and solitary, the Father briefly withdrew from Jesus the comfort of His Spirit, the support of His personal presence. It was required, indeed it was central to the significance of the Atonement, that this perfect Son who had never spoken ill nor done wrong nor touched an unclean thing had to know how the rest of humankind—us, all of us—would feel when we did commit such sins. For His Atonement to be infinite and eternal, He had to feel what it was like to die not only physically but spiritually, to sense what it was like to have the divine Spirit withdraw, leaving one feeling totally, abjectly, hopelessly alone.


But Jesus held on. He pressed on. The goodness in Him allowed faith to triumph even in a state of complete anguish. The trust He lived by told Him in spite of His feelings that divine compassion is never absent, that God is always faithful, that He never flees nor fails us. When the uttermost farthing had then been paid, when Christ’s determination to be faithful was as obvious as it was utterly invincible, finally and mercifully, it was “finished.”(John 19:30) Against all odds and with none to help or uphold Him, Jesus of Nazareth, the living Son of the living God, restored physical life where death had held sway and brought joyful, spiritual redemption out of sin, hellish darkness, and despair. With faith in the God He knew was there, He could say in triumph, “Father, into thy hands I commend my spirit.”(Luke 23:46)


Brothers and sisters, one of the great consolations of this Easter season is that because Jesus walked such a long, lonely path utterly alone, we do not have to do so. (Elder Jeffrey R. Holland Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles)

I thought of the combination of words found only in my "how to book," The Book of Mormon:  "the atonement which is infinite." (2 Nephi 25:15, Alma 34:12). I had heard the term "infinite atonement" used frequently at church, but this time the word "infinite" stood out. It means without end or limitation. Without end or limitations! In my minds eye I envisioned a bottomless lake of refreshing, delicious water. There is no end to it. It is constantly renewed, and always clean and fresh. The whole world and more could join me there and never, ever exhaust this eternal resource. I can bath in its refreshment, be infused with the very love, power and strength my Savior called upon when "he pressed on," and He will never, never fail me. Even if all those I love cannot, because of their own circumstances, offer the support and help I need, I never have to be utterly alone. There is enough faith, love, hope, strenght, and joy to fill an infinite eternity there- and I have only to go there to partake.

No wonder Paul said, "I can do all things through Christ Jesus who strenghteneth me!" The real issue (the one that it is a privilege beyond compare to be able to recognize and work on in mortality) is that I do not yet begin to understand the depth and breath of what has been done and prepared for mankind. I do not yet fathom the depth of His love- or the sorrow he feels at the suffering of his children. Remember the tears he shed with Mary and Martha, only moments before Lazarus was released from the tomb. (John 11:30-37) I am convinced he did not shed them for Lazurus, but for the pain of those who grieved. I am convinced he weeps with us and can only bear it because he knows.

Knows the end from the beginning and all that has been prepared for us. Knows the value of the opportunity for growth and eternal refinement that comes as the opposition of grief and pain are filtered through the infinite atonement. He knows that “No pang that is suffered by man or woman upon the earth will be without its compensating effect … .( “Chapter 2: Tragedy or Destiny?,” Teachings of Presidents of the Church: Spencer W. Kimball, (2006),11–21)    He knows that "They that sow in tears shall reap in joy." (Psalms 126:5) And He knows that The greatest tragedy that can happen to a person is not the loss of his possessions, or his intellect, or his mortal life, but rather to lose eternal life, which is the free gift of God." (Carlos H. Amado, “Overcoming Adversity,” Ensign, Nov 1989, 29)


From all this I have come to see Maat, and all she experienced differently. No less painful and tragic, but in a way I am still at a loss of words to describe, I know that the plagues, the Passover and all that followed were equally about the Lord working through those who chose to"prevail with God" (the Israelites) to show his reality and the falseness of all other Gods. To our Heavenly Father, Maat was every bit as important as the children of Israel.  He wanted to give her, and all His children the type of reassurance I received that night.  As much as I understood in that moment how small and finite my understanding is, as much as the pain and problems didn't just disappear, I have never been more sure of my Heavenly's Father's reality or love. It is a gift I do not want to live without. How I hope and pray for every child of God to have a moment like that. The thing is, I know it is His hope and prayer for all his children, too. (John 17, 3 Nephi  He longs to have us "encirlceld about in the arms of his love" and to "come unto (him)" and be "healed."(2 Nephi 1:15,Jeremiah 3:22, Alma 33:21-22) He wanted it for the Israelites, but he also wanted it for the Egyptians. I know He wants it for me. And I know He wants it for you.  That is what the preservation of the records we study is all about.  Bringing us the opportunity to first consider, then explore, then accept his infinite gift.

 

 

On His Wings

Been delving into trivia again. It is amazing how it happens. One question leads to another and before you know it, you know which two animals have been used -far, far more than any others- as national and family symbols throughout the ages and throughout the world. Any guesses? Here they are, in no particular order- the lion and the eagle. It was the eagle that led me to this bit of trivia. And so I also noted that one particular species of eagle, namely the majestic golden eagle, is the most widely heralded of all the chosen eagle species. I found out that its habitat stretches across the whole of the northern hemisphere and so it has a prominent position in the history, religion, and folklore of countries from Mongolia to Mexico to Indonesia to Canada to Egypt.

Now you might wonder what exploring the webs store of knowledge on the golden eagle has to do with my current study of the Old Testament. If you've read my blog on Noah, you might recall I quoted a scripture from the Book of Isaiah, which included this: But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles…. (Isaiah 40:31) (See "Through the Storm)

That quote was indeed the inspiration for this little foray into wildlife -that, and the life of Joseph of Egypt. It was the word "wait" that particularly caught my notice this time. It comes from the same root as the Hebrew words for "hope" and "obedience." It literally means "to bind together" and indicates the patience needed to bind or weave something together. If ever there was an example of someone "waiting" on the Lord, it was Joseph. And if ever there was an example of someone who mounted up as with "wings as eagles," it was also Joseph. In a way, Joseph's story gives us an eagle's eye perspective of life, and the way the Lord works with and teaches his children.

Joseph is the one of the few Old Testament characters whose impression, in my eyes, improved the first time I read the Old Testament for myself. I remember in my primary class, knowing that what is brothers did when they sold him into slavery was a bad, bad thing, but I couldn't help but sympathize with them being jealous of Joseph when Jacob favored him and Joseph bragged about his dreams (he claimed came from God) of becoming a leader over them. Even if he did have those dreams, did he have to share it! I come from a family of eight children- I understand sibling rivalry.

However, after reading Genesis for myself, I quickly realized that was only half the story. Jacob didn't arbitrarily choose Joseph as his favorite. Jacob's favoring Joseph had a great deal to do with trust, and knowing that in Joseph he had a son who would work with him in faithfully following the Lord. Genesis 34, 37 & 38 seem to be pointed efforts on the part of the author of Genesis to give us some idea of why Joseph's desire to seek after and follow the Lord, as well as how he faithfully obey his father, made him Jacob's favored son. I do not deny Jacob's imperfect humanity, but I think his favor for Joseph is a type of what Nephi, in the Book of Mormon, tried to teach his brothers about who is favored of the Lord:  Behold, the Lord esteemeth all flesh in one; he that is righteous is favored of God. (1 Nephi 17:35)

All the other sons, who by birth may have had a prior claim to this type of favor and claim of leadership, had quit simply blown it - in big, messy, decidedly wicked, complicated ways. Their actions towards Joseph only emphasize how unrepentant they were at that point. Perhaps Jacob's words "Ye have troubled me to make me to stink among the inhabitants of the land," says it best. (Genesis 34:30)

So here is Joseph, young and maybe even feeling a little fallen-man pride about the righteous choices he has made. Not perfect, but good and striving to do his best. One day he is the favored son of a rather powerful nomadic leader, and the next he is beaten by those he thought he would lead, thrown into a pit, and later sold as a slave to a passing caravan. It is easy for us, because reading the whole account takes only a few minutes, to see how he became so much more, had so much more, was able to serve his family and father so much more, because of that fateful day. But when he was roped, driven like a beast to market, and sold, and then spent years as a slave and prisoner, he could not see that.

Yet, in the first verses describing his life as a slave and prisoner, it tells us "the Lord was with Joseph."(Genesis 39:2, 21) That is a very significant phrase because the Lord has taken great pains (as I've noted before) to make clear to us the importance of agency and that he will not force himself on us. For instance:

Behold I stand at the door, and knock, if any man hear my voice and open the door, I will come in to him and will sup with him, and he with me. (Revelation 3:20)

Or:     Draw nigh to God, and he will draw nigh to you. (James 4:8)
Or:

Learn to pray. Pray often. Pray in your mind, in your heart. Pray on your knees. Prayer is your personal key to heaven. The lock is on your side of the veil. And I have learned to conclude all my prayers with “Thy will be done.” (Matthew 6:10; see also Luke 11:2; 3 Nephi 13:10). (Boyd K. Packer, “Prayer and Promptings,” Ensign, Nov 2009, 43–46)

So that phrase "and the Lord was with Joseph" together with Joseph's own words declaring his devotion and obedience to God, show that the one thing Joseph did do was to continue turning to the Lord for comfort, strength and help as his life took unexpected, unwelcome turns. This is particularly thought provoking when you consider that both his being sold into slavery, and then his being thrown into prison, could be construed as directly resulting from his obedience to the Lord's commands.(Genesis 37:13-14, Genesis 39:9) Perhaps his life lens is summed up best in what he said to his brothers when his brothers when they came to him, after their father's death, worried that Joseph will use his considerable power to get justified revenge, and he tells them,

Am I in the place of God? …Ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive. (Genesis 50:19-20)

In other words:  God knows best. He has always known best, and what happened was never out of his control. He allowed you to do your evil deed. He prepared a way for it to be a good thing for me, and many others. I'm good and I love having you and your families here. You just worry about making sure you are right with God.

His approach to life and his Heavenly Father, and the result of that approach, seems to be a perfect example of the perspective the Lord tried to illustrate for the wandering, often angry and bitter, children of Israel. I found this previously underappreciated gem by following the footnotes from, (can you guess) Isaiah 40:31. It too, uses the example of eagles to illustrate the way the Lord lifts and teaches his children. But this time it compares His efforts to teach the children of Israel with the efforts of an eagle to teach her young to fly.

As an eagle stirreth up her nest, fluttereth over her young, spreadeth abroad her wings, taketh them, beareth them on her wings: So the Lord alone did lead him, and there was no strange god with him. (Deuteronomy 32:11)

This is what led me to the golden eagle. I wanted to know what type of bird would most likely have been the "eagle" spoken of here. The golden eagle was well known to the children of Israel. The plains of Goshen and the Sinai wilderness are both natural habitats. Culturally, it was revered as a messenger of the Horus and Isis, the chief Egyptian deities. So the Lord is giving a powerful reminder that He, and He alone is the only true God. And he is also answering one of Israel's most repeated and pressing concerns:

Why, if God is really with us, do we go from being majestically led out of Egypt one day to being hungry and thirsty in the wilderness the next? Why if he has such power doesn't he use it, but instead leaves us to struggle with such painful problems? "Is the Lord among us or not?" (Exodus 16:7)

I found the Lord's illustrative example to be incredibly powerful.  You see, the golden eagle is a devoted parent. It mates for life. The mated pair claims a territory of up to 60 miles in diameter, and, carefully builds a nest. The nest is made of woven branches, sometimes small rocks or other hard materials, and then, in preparation for the young, covered in comfortable, soft material- leaves, moss, even their own feathers. For the first six to eight weeks the eaglets grow rapidly in their comfy home, being fed the choicest bits of meat. And then they fledge- or grow the wings they will need to fly, and things begin to change.

Apparently flying is not an instinctive behavior for the eagles. There are recorded cases of golden eagle eggs being successfully hatched by brooding hens. Without intervention, the eaglet will grow up to act like a chicken, pecking at the ground, living on insects, and never thinking to use his powerful wings to soar. However, the eagle parent knows that eagles are meant to fly- and that means gaining muscle and leaving the comfort of the nest. Most eaglets do not take the initiative, but need firm encouragement to realize their potential to soar.

Just as the verse above describes, this encouragement can include the mother flapping her wings close to the fledglings. This shows them how it is done, and the fledgling has only to make a weak attempt to flap his own wings to get his first taste of flight, courtesy of the draft created by the mother's powerful wings. Mother eagles have also been observed literally "stirring up the nest", taking away the soft moss, leaves or feathers that made it such a comfy place to stay. Wise eagle parents also stop bringing the fledglings choice bits of meat, instead inviting the fledgling to leave the nest and dine with them on a nearby ledge or branch. This is an offer most fledglings refuse at first. They scream their outrage- but to no avail, and eventually they learn they are ready to leave the nest. Now it is time to learn to fly. And it is true- golden eagles have been observed "spread(ing) abroad her wings" to help support their young in learning to fly. However, as is evident in the quote below, the fledglings were no more keen about being dropped off the ledge and spreading their wings, than they were about leaving the nest.

Last summer while my father and I were extracting honey at the apiary about a mile southeast of Thacher School, Ojai, California, we noticed a golden eagle teaching its young one to fly. It was about ten o'clock. The mother started from the nest in the crags, and roughly handling the young one, she allowed him to drop, I should say, about ninety feet, then she would swoop down under him, wings spread, and he would alight on her back. She would soar to the top of the range with him and repeat the process. One time she waited perhaps fifteen minutes between flights. I should say the farthest she let him fall was 150 feet.


My father and I watched this, spellbound, for over an hour. I do not know whether the young one gained confidence by this method or not. A few days later father and I rode to the cliff and out on Overhanging Rock. The eagle's nest was empty. (Dr. Loye Miller (1918) published the following account, as given to him by one of his students: Miss F.E. Shuman) http://www.birdsbybent.com/ch61-70/goleagle.html)

To watch an eagle's flight is truly a thrill to the soul! Just imagine what a truly great tragedy it would be if the mother eagle, knowing the capabilities inherent in her offspring, gave way to their screeches and let them comfortably waste their lives as fat, dependent, flightless parasites. Perhaps, with that in mind, we can begin to see the purpose in the Lord's allowing us to experience strengthening and growing opportunities, even when those opportunities cause us to cry out in pain and fear. The purpose is not our suffering- it is to give us the chance to know the meaning of soaring. But, it requires something of us. It requires that in that moment when we feel proverbially dropped off a cliff, as Joseph must have, we turn to Him in trust that His outstretched wings will be there, to give us the lift we are well aware we are too weak to give ourselves. He will always be there for us, just as He was with Joseph -if we will allow it.

Wrestling

I've written before about being directionally challenged and my propensity to get lost. It has been one of my greatest challenges because job changes have meant a move every few years for our family. A new place meant trying to find my way to church, schools for the kids, doctors and dentists, libraries, visiting teaching routes, and so on and so on. Now, mind you, having learned early on - long before the kids came along - that I had this penchant, I learned to obtain directions when going to a new destination. The preparation paid off, and getting a GPS device for Christmas one year, well it made this last move a whole lot easier. But in hindsight, I am grateful for the experience of occasionally getting lost because it has become a "personal parable" for me. (See "Of Babies and Birds" or "Personal Parables")

You see, there was always a moment when I would begin to suspect I was no longer headed in the right direction. A niggling wrestling within myself that I'd somehow gotten off course and that if I truly desired to get my appointed destination, I'd have to stop, make changes, and get back on course. I have a particular memory of wrestling with that feeling. It was the second time I had gone to this particular location, so I knew the name of the street I had missed and knew the name of some of the streets that intersected with that street. I was in the process of turning around when I saw a cross street by the same name as a cross street that intersected with the road I was to turn on to. I reasoned that this was the same street and would take me back on course. I reasoned it would be quicker and easier, and managed to convince myself. The truth was that I was near the edge of two townships- both which had streets of that particular name- but this one, rather than connecting into the cross street I desired, actually turned and headed in an entirely new direction. It took a while for me to give in to the growing wrestling that my assumption had been wrong, and then I had to back track even further to get back on course. I found out later, from the very person who had given me the directions, that there was only one road that led from where I got lost back to the crossroad I desired- and I turned off it when I tried to take the "shortcut."

This became a "personal parable" for me as I explored how the Lord describes our lives as a journey in which we have the choice to follow his directions in order to be able to get on and stay on His path, if we desire the eternally "good end" He promises. The word for "righteousness" used in the Old Testament literally means "to walk the path uprightly," whereas the word most frequently translated as "wickedness" literally means "to step off the path." "Repent" means "to turn" and is always coupled with the idea of returning to the path. Even the word "punish" is related. It means "to turn the head," meaning that the Lord allows circumstances sufficient to encourage a person to reconsider the path they are on- to see that what they have put their faith in will fail; end in a dead end- and consider getting on the only eternally profitable path.

All these words, and many others, convey that finding and staying on the correct path takes some diligent work on our part. In life, as in my own "personal parable," desiring to get to a certain location is not enough. Reasoning out my own directions, while disregarding those given by someone who actually knew the area led to a substantial waste of time, gas, and irritated, frustrated energy. How much more is wasted when we disregard the Lord's instruction!

I had this "personal parable" fresh in my mind when I came to the Book of Enos in the Book of Mormon. It caused me to more deeply consider what Enos meant when he said he "would tell you of the wrestle which I had before God." The first thing he notes, is that he recognizes his need to repent, to heed the words his father spoke of Jesus Christ, and turn to the Lord. Interestingly, it doesn't stop there. Once Enos knows he is no longer lost, he "began to be filled with a desire for his brethren." Enos life then became about loving and serving not only those he formely thought of as his brethren, but all of God's children, including those who considered themselves his enemies.

There is a footnote to the word "wrestle" in Enos 1 which refers to the Old Testament section on Jacob. Cross referencing Enos's and Jacob's experiences taught me so much. Both reached a point they desired to know and serve God. Both made mistakes in their lives, but committed to follow the Lords plan. Both are promised their works will bless not only their families, but untold future generations. And both record that it was not easy, but with the Lord's help they were able. The connection between the two is particularly intriguing when I saw the word "Israel" broken down into its two roots which individually mean "he wrestles or prevails" and "strength and power." The second root, "El," is often translated as "God." And so Israel translates to "God overcomes, " "God prevails," or "He who overcomes or prevails through the strength and power of God." The last translation seems to carry with it the heart of the promise of the Gospel of Jesus Christ:

For whatsover is born of God overcometh the world; and the victory that overcometh the world, even our faith. Who is he that overcometh the world, but he that believeth that Jesus is the Son of God. (1 John 5:4-5)

To him that overcometh will I grant to sit with me in my throne; even as I also overcame, and am set down with my Father in his throne. He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches. (Revelations 3:21-22)

These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation; but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world. (John 16:23)

So, what does it mean to "overcome." I think Jacob received profound insight to that the night he dreamed of the ladder into heaven. (Genesis 28:12) A ladder would indicate steps that need to me taken incrementally, one by one, constantly upward, to reach your goal. As the prophet Isaiah explains:

Whom shall he teach knowledge? And whom shall he make to understand doctrine? Them that are weaned from the milk, and drawn from the breast. For precept must be upon precept, precept upon precept; line upon line, line upon line; here a little, and there a little." (Isaiah 28:9-10)

I love that scripture because in so few words it not only captures the idea of a step by step learning process, but begins with the idea that we need to be "weaned from milk." In other words we all, no matter where or when we are born, are spiritual infants in relationship to God. Like infants, we have no way to provide the nourishment and growth we need for ourselves. We flounder and spiritually die if we turn away from all the Lord has prepared for us. And so he pleads:(D&C 78:17-19)

Verily, verily, I say unto you ye are little children, and have not as yet understood how great blessings the Father hath in his own hands and prepared for you; and ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is your and the blessing thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours.

As a parent, I have considered what advice I would give my almost-legal-adult, going-off-to-college-in-the-fall daughter, about following directions given by someone who really knows the area. I know I would never advise her to make the choice I did in my "personal parable", and in hindsight I can admit it was not wise to ignore the already tried and proven directions. But at the time, it took running into a literal dead end for me to admit my error and start back to the right road. That dead end also has great import to me. When it comes to the more essential, spiritual wrestlings in my life I have come to recognize that the times of deepest inner turmoil have all come at times with 3 elements in common:

1) I had heard the Lord's words and felt a light, a warm pull of recognition- "this is truth; this is good"- deep within my soul.

2) Sometime after hearing those words, I faced circumstances that tested the depth of my conviction. To continue to live my life according to the pull I'd felt, the light it brought, would mean giving up something that seemed important and immediately gratifying now.

3) I wrestle over whether living up to the light was worth the apparent sacrifice.

This is where daily habits of "feasting upon the word of God" and prayer make a huge difference. (2 Nephi 32:3, Joshua 1:8) The word of God is based on the truths of eternity, and as I've written of before, it has a perspective expanding effect. It has been in moments when I am deeply immersed that I have been able to honestly evaluate whatever it is I'm wrestling with, and I have to acknowledge that the choice that seems more immediately appealing now, and makes it tempting for me to consider disregarding the Lord's direction or call, only caters to a very limited, finite, immediate gratification goal. If I raise my eyes and seek for where pursuing immediately gratifying choice will lead, I discover, over and over again it dead ends at some point.

Regrettably, for me, this realization began with actually reaching a dead end, and doing a painful journey turning back and getting on the right path. I am grateful for the loving guidance he offered, even after I so callously disregarded his careful efforts on my behalf. I am grateful for the infinite atonement that made it possible for me to "turn back" and return to the path of the Lord. But, I rejoice even more in all he offers to expand our vision, help us set eternal goals, and make each niggling wrestling deep within our souls a step forward on the right path. That is the divine purpose in this common, oft repeated, mortal experience. As we move "line upon line," step forward upon step forward, the "wrestling" is still part of our growth, but it is not about us being off track, but about the next thing we need to learn to continue journey forward toward becoming what we have the potential to become.

This brings me to another of the very few scripture references which us the term "wrestle" to describe our opportunities for growth. I found it profitable to consider it, because the person who is described as "wrestling" was, at this point in his life, a faithful follower of the Lord who had given up a high political office, and the worldly power and prestige that went with it, so that he could devote his time to sharing the Lord's directions. Obviously his wrestling was not over whether to "step off the path." Rather, he struggled when he prayed for a particular group of people, who were currently taking great pride in their self appointed, dead end path. Alma, having in his youth, openly rebelled against God, and tasted the very "pains of hell," knew what was on the line and experienced great "anguish of soul" over the decisions his brethren. He prayed for a miracle; he prayed that the Lord, "would pour out his Spirit upon the people…that he might baptize them to repentance." (Alma 23:10) The answer, which was essentially a "no", taught me a great deal about how much value the Lord places on agency. Moreover, as Alma listened and then acted upon what he learned as he continued to serve the Lord, what happened to Alma was really incredible.

In Alma 23, Alma is overwhelmed and in anguish over the pain he feels over his brethren. Several chapters later, Alma is again leading a mission to a city that wants nothing to do with the Lord. This time his prayer is different. He acknowledges that the law of agency, and that it means he will not be treated kindly- no matter how sincerely he loves and wants to help his brethren. He does, as always pray for success, to be led to those who are searching for the words of light and truth he brings. But the central focus of this prayer is to ask the Lord to strengthen him that he will be able to overcome or "bear" "afflictions" that might come because of other's choices. Why? Because he knows "their souls are precious." (Alma 31:30-35) By staying true to the path through this process of learning, of wrestling, of overcoming, Alma, like Enos, had become what we are all to become: filled with charity. He followed the directions of the Lord to:

Let thy bowel also be full of charity toward all men, and to the household of faith, and let virtue garnish they thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God. (Doctrine & Covenants 121:45)

That last bit, "then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God" is illustrated in several of the words from the lives and teachings of these three witnesses and examples, but my favorite cross reference to this scripture are Enos' parting words:

And I rejoice in the day when my mortal shall put on immortality, and shall stand before him; then shall I see his face with pleasure, and he will say unto me Come unto me, ye blessed, there is place prepared for you…(Enos 1:27)

That kind of confidence; that kind of true pleasure- I think it is well worth wrestling for!

From Where I Now Stand....

I recently read that every athlete who performs at the Olympic level has put in roughly 10,000 hours of training and that there is not a single instance of a wildly talented athlete making it to that level without that minimum. Think of what that means. It means that these athletes, who know and acknowledge their talent, also acknowledge that without an experienced coach and consistent training, natural talent and knowledge is not enough. They have to admit, at some past point, that they lacked wisdom and experience, and then seek to gain it. The lens through which they view the world puts a high value on their goal - high enough to compensate for being teachable, sacrificing less worthy goals and time, and working to overcome obstacles. It is a lens that doesn't focus on the discomfort of the moment, when future Olympic glory is at stake.

Perhaps because, like much of the world, I enjoyed the recent Olympic Games, this came to mind as I thought about Abraham. Certainly, to use a metaphor, Abraham has been praised by the Lord, Himself, as being one of His most diligent mortal trainees. What made Abraham such and example on how to get the most out of this mortal preparation for eternal life? Why was he given the title "Father of the Faithful?" I have become convinced that, like the Olympic athlete, it had to do with the lens he used as he went through his mortal journey- the lens modern prophets call spirituality:

To the faithful, spirituality is a lens through which we view life and a gauge by which we evaluate it.

Each of us has a personal lens through which we view the world. Our lens gives its special tint to all we see. It can suppress some features and emphasize others…. How we interpret our experiences is also a function of our degree of spirituality. Some interpret mortality solely in terms of worldly accomplishments and possessions. In contrast, we who have a testimony of the gospel of Jesus Christ should interpret our experiences in terms of our knowledge of the purpose of life, the mission of our Savior, and the eternal destiny of the children of God….

Through the lens of spirituality, we see all the commandments of God as invitations to blessings. (Dallin H. Oaks, “Spirituality,” Ensign, Nov 1985, 61)

I think one thing that amazes me about Abraham is that he seems to have functioned on that last assumption - that all the commadments of God are invitations to blessings- even when the momentary circumstances would indicate otherwise. When I reflect on my own life, it would seem during times I have made intentional choices contrary to Lords commands, I was motivated and functioned through a lense of fear- fear that I would be missing out on something of value, or making myself vulnerable to injury, or just appear foolish- if I followed the Lord's commands too closely.
Perhaps this insight into my own "life lense" helped me notice the most oft repeated direction the Lord gives his children, "fear not." (Note: Just to be clear, "oft repeated" is not "greatest" which is to love the Lord- but I do think striving to obey the greatest opens up receptiveness to the most repeated.) The first time the directive is recorded in the scriptures (chronologically speaking) is in Genesis 15, where Abraham has just returned from defending his family from warring kings. He is living where the Lord directed him to -and that means he is surrounded by power hungry men who really have no interest in learning of or obeying God.  After this battle they either want him dead or want to use his remarkable ability to survive and thrive for their own gain. Not a comfortable place to be. The Lord tells him:

Fear not, Abram, I am thy shield, and they exceeding great reward. (Genesis 15:1)

Abraham then questions the Lord about the promises the Lord has made him. At this point Abraham and his wife are aging- they have no children- and Abraham wonders if he should go ahead in establishing a heir from his household. The Lord tells him he will have a son, but most importantly, that even if Abraham were to die it would be no obstacle to the Lord fulfilling his promises.(See JST Genesis 15:9-12) And then the account reads:

And he believed in the Lord and he counted it to him for righteousness. (Genesis 15:6)

The word "believed" really caught my eye- perhaps because what we believe often determines what we think and what we fear. My experiences thus far with looking up words in the original Hebrew has been very rewarding, so I thought I'd try it with this word. It was worth it. The most literal translation is "firm." When used as a noun it can be translated as "pillar." And what does a "pillar" do? It upholds and supports something. So the verb "believed" could be translated "stood firm in support." He was confident in the Lord and stood up for Him. How remarkably that fits with what the Savior said sustained Him:

My meat (food- that which sustains) is to do the will of him that sent me and to finish his work. (John 4:34)

Thinking on this, it hit me how confident the Savior was as he ministered and taught. When you consider the intense cries for his death that came from those in power, he showed a shocking lack of fear. His steps seemed to be confidently determined, not by outward circumstances, but by what flowed from inside. Which brings me back to "fear" because I did look up that word too, and what it literally means is, "a flowing from the inside." Having felt a bit a fear in my life, I think that is a very good description. But it also describes some deeply motivating and sustaining emotions such as awe, faith, reverence. Which, in turn, helps me understand why the same word is used to indicate a "life lense" the Lord directs us to have- "fear of the Lord." In fact just a few chapters after Abraham is told to "fear not," he is commended because he "fearest God." (Genesis 22:12) So "fear of God" is an element of faith and part of what enabled Abraham to become the "father of the faithful." In the Bible Dictionary found in the King James Bible published by the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, it explains:"

Fear of the Lord"…is equivalent to reverence, awe, worship, and is therefore an essential part of the attitude of mind in which we ought to stand toward the All-holy God. On the other hand fear is spoken of as something unworthy of a child of God, something that "perfect love casteth out"….The first effect of Adam's sin was that he was afraid. Sin destroys that feeling of confidence God's child should feel in a loving Father. (Bible Dictionary, p.672)  

There is the word "confidence" again. Interesting because it is the last word I would've used with the word "fear" before studying this in the scriptures. To me, now, "fear of the Lord" means humbly, gratefully allowing God's position (creator and sustainer of the earth, all that I love, every breath I take) and my position (um, pretty much a dependant, learning, growing child) to sink deep within so that it becomes the primary motivating factor for the thoughts, words and action that flow out of me. Those action include actively putting my, admittedly humble and very imperfect, support firmly behind the Lord, his directions, and his plan for me and all His children. Thus I trust him with my life and take each step of this mortal journey viewing it with a lens made of firm confidence in the Lord's teaching, enabling, sustaining comforting presence.
At least, that is the lens I am training to obtain. It is a work in progress, and from where I currently stand the view is…admittedly limited. Often it feels as if I am in the thick of the trees, on a winding uphill trail. There are times that every ounce of energy I have is concentrated on making sure the next step takes me forward along the path. I continue in my efforts to move forward because I know I am on a path that is taking me somewhere beyond compare. Occasionally I turn a corner, and the trees thin and I get a hint of what I am training for. What I can see takes my breath away and, I feel renewed in my efforts, tired mortal muscles momentarily forgotten, Oh, how grateful I feel for a marked path that makes it possible for me to reach my goal! I know and trust my coach. He is a friend and trainer like no other- completely unselfish; able to strengthen and sustain, and ease unbearable aches; always there. My view now is not what I know it will someday be- but I have for a travel companion and trainer one who has already completed the climb and whose view is unlimited- constantly He witnesses to me of how much it matters to just keep moving forward; of all I have to gain and share with those I love. And more and more I realize that I get up in the morning out of hope, and joy, and being firmly motivated by the promise of the view to come. And, I think, perhaps, I am beginning understand just a little, what motivated and sustained Abraham.

It's Puzzling

I love puzzles. I haven't always enjoyed them as I do now. Doing puzzles takes a certain patience and a confidence that with time and effort there is a solution. Ironically, I really began to enjoy doing them when my children were small and my time especially limited. It corresponded to the time in my life when I first really approached the scriptures and God with that admission that I lacked wisdom, and that if He would answer, I would follow his instruction at least as fervently than I had my college professors. So the time I spent on puzzles was often a time for meditating on what I was learning. Puzzles became personal parables for me. For instance, look at these few pieces? Can you discern the picture on the puzzle correctly from just these few pieces? It is near impossible. Likewise, when we shut out the tutelage of the Lord, from our decidedly limited, finite experience, we have so little to go on that what we purpose as the "true" picture of life and its purpose, is no where near the whole picture, the picture our Heavenly Father sees, or real truth,- "things as they are, and as the were, and as they are to come." (Doctrine & Covenants 93:24, Jacob 4:13)

There was one particular puzzling lesson that has had great significance in my life. My sister had come to visit and we did more than one puzzle during her stay. We didn't finish the second one before she had to leave, and I was determined to finish it. There was this one piece I was just sure should fit in a particular part of the emerging picture. The area I thought it went in, when completed, would go along way toward pulling together other completed parts. But it didn't work. I stared, I tried it in a variety of ways, I gave up and went on, but it bugged me so I came back to it. I probably wasted hours of limited puzzle time trying to make that piece fit. As it turned out, I was right about that piece being pivotal in the puzzle coming together, but the piece I was trying didn't fit because it was never apart of that puzzle. It was a piece from the previous puzzle that had somehow been missed. Despite the fact that the pictures on the two puzzles were very different, this one piece looked similar in coloring and form to the piece that did eventually fit and complete the puzzle. A piece that had been lying ignored, in a pile of pieces near my hand, while I wasted time and effort with the wrong piece. It was amazing how quickly it all fell into place when I put aside the wrong piece and began trying the right one. Truly amazing.

That little puzzle adventure became a lasting lesson for me because it corresponded to, and became instrumental in, my considering the idea of putting aside long held assumptions- in the chance that those assumptions might be like the mistaken puzzle piece- looking a lot like the real thing, but, in fact, being only a distraction. A distraction, that, if I continued to concentrate on, would prevent me from finding the real pieces; the ones that would help the puzzling pieces of this mortal experience come together the way our loving Heavenly Father intended.

It was the word "jealous" I was particularly considering, along with sister concepts like "anger" and "wrath." In the American Heritage Dictionary, under the entry for "jealous", it actually uses the Lord's word from Exodus 19:5, "I…am a jealous God" to illustrate what it means to be "intolerant of disloyalty or infidelity; autocratic; fearful or wary of being supplanted; apprehensive of losing affection or position." For years, based on a scriptural commentary I saw as a young adult, I looked at the account of the Tower of Babel as an illustration of God, "autocratically" using his power to punish those who offended Him. I found it a particularly troublesome interpretation because there is such an obvious clear link between God's actions being seen that way, and men justifying truly "autocratic," controlling, cruel, selfish, unChristlike behavior, by quoting such scriptures. Using the English definition of the word just didn't fit with my own recent experiences, and such clear statements as: (John 3:16)

God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him might not perish, but have everlasting life.

Listen to him who is your advocate…pleading your cause…. (Doctrine & Covenants 45:3)

But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you. That ye may be children of your Father which is in heaven…. (Matthew 5:44-45) 

(God) doeth not anything save it be for the benefit of the word; for he loveth the world….(2 Nephi 26:24)

Our use of the word "jealous" really never focuses on the "benefit" of the others involved. It is a selfish emotion. However, being "zealous" is another matter entirely. Did you know that in Hebrew, Greek, and English that the root of both "zealous" and "jealous" is "zeal." In fact the exact same word is translated as both "jealous" and "zealous" in the Old Testment. Zeal is defined as Enthusiastic devotion to a cause, ideal, or goal and tireless diligence in its furtherance. Zeal is not competative, autocratic, or fearful- it indicates devotion. It is not, in and of itself, negative or positive, but can become either depending on the ideal or cause which is so passionately, devotedly, advocated. And the Lord's cause? Us, His children, and His desire to prepare us to receive all that He is and has.

Interstingly, the Hebrew word, which is translated as both "zealous" and "jealous" can be literally translated "to gather for the seeds (young)" or "to nest." (Ancient Hebrew Lexicon of the Bible, Jeff A. Benner, P.246-247) The word derives its meaning from the tireless, focused work that we see in birds building a nest and then nurturing, protecting, and providing for their young. It idicates something more than devotion to an ideal, but something far more personal and intimate- devotion to those you build for, provide for, protect, teach and enable. Interstingly, while our use of the word "jealous" goes hand in hand with the use of the word "of," indicating a recognition of competition or loss- the word translated "jealous" in the Old Testament is curiously coupled with the word "for" meaning "in behalf of." (Joel 2:18, Zechariah 8:2)

Oh, the pieces, the many, many verbal pieces of scripture that this understanding of "jealous God" begins to bring together. Not only the scriptures on love, but the many times He declares his devotion and desire to enable, strengthen, and provide for us as we grow and gain the experience and knowledge we came here to gain, for example:

For can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? Yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee…. Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me. (Isaiah 49:15-16, 1 Nephi 21:16-17)

I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee, be strong and of a good courage….This book of law shall not depart out of thy mouth; but thou shalt meditate therein…that thou mayest observe to do according to all that is written therein; for then thou shalt make they way prosperous, and then thou shall have good success….Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed; for the Lord They God is with thee withersoever thou goest. (Joshua 1:5-9)

Verily, verily, I say unto you ye are little children, and ye have not as yet understood how great blessings the Father hath in his own hands and prepared for you; and ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer for I will lead you along...And he that receiveth all thing with thankfulness shall be made glorious. (Doctrine & Covenants 78:17-19)

Did you see the connection between receiving the devoted care of the Lord and willingly taking instruction from Him? This in turn, helps with other terms like anger or wrath. When Lehi is giving his final counsel to his two rebellious sons he explains the anger of the Lord.

(B)ehold, his sharpness was the sharpness of the power of the word of God, which was in him; and that which ye call anger was the truth, according to that which is in God. (2 Nephi 1:26)

There is so much that has been offered and provided for us- so much at stake- that a infinitely wise, loving and devoted Father cannot let us throw it away without doing all that is in his power, while protecting and enabling the gift of agency, to make clear the truth of the situation. Things as they are, as they were, and as they will be.

Essentially this is what the gospel is: counsel from a living Father who says to his children, “You have limitless, everlasting possibilities. You also have your freedom. It’s up to you how you use it. This is what you can become if you take my advice—and this is what will happen if you don’t. The choice is yours.” (Richard L. Evans, “Should the Commandments Be Rewritten?,” Ensign, Dec 1971, 57)

And so we are back to the Tower of Babel, and the very different picture that emerges from the perspective of seeing God, not as our English "jealous" and "angry" would indicate. But as a devoted, loving, respectful Father, who used his inifinite knowledge, wisdom and love in taking action to give His children every opportunity to learn of their endless possiblities, while at the same time diffusing a difficult and spiritually dangerous situation. Despite the flood being a very recent, real event, those who had gained power were using it to encourage, some accounts say force, their society to openingly turn their back on the Father's advice. The story of the Jaredites in the Book of Mormon shows us what a merciful act this was.(See Ether 1) This act of intervention and advocacy from the Lord showed the people of Babel "things as they are." They had a witness that God is real, as well as one of their own limited power. It was mercifully given in a way that gave years of mortal opportunity without war, bloodshed, famine, or floods. Also, the difficulty of the situation encouraged the Jaredites among others, to go to their Father for answers. To begin to receive, piece by piece, a correct understanding of this eternally important and pivitol opportunity we call life.

I can't help but surmise that among the words of the Lord the Jaredites had, were treasures similar to the verses quoted above. And that as they opened their hearts to His words, they had sparkling, vivid, joy infusing moments like the one I had during particular worrisome time a few years ago. I read 1 Nephi 21:16, and felt myself wrapped in feelings of sparkling reassurance as the words became so very personal. They seemed to read:

Behold I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; (the walls of your home) are continually before me. Peace, be still.

Through The Storm

All right, I admit it. For many years of my life the very name "Noah" did not conjure up good feelings. This section of scripture- namely Genesis 6-10, was one of my first and most intense "exaltation" experiences. (See "My How To Book") When I first read it for myself, at about age 7, it seemed that God mirrored in so many way the capricious and vengeful (in the most modern and worst sense of the word) ancient gods I'd been reading of in a series of books with legends from around the world. It is amazing how tenacious can be the impressions of our youth! By the time I taught the Old Testament in early morning seminary, I had read and reread both accounts in Genesis and Moses, and read every article on the subject I could, spiritual or scholarly. I think I was in a place similar to what my daughter described about the word "exalt"- I knew the problem was not with what the Lord taught and could see how a change in perspective really did show this story to be another example of the Lord's love- but I was relieved when the lesson passed and I could move on, past the residue of confused feelings that continued to darken this part of the scriptures for me.


When did that darkness completely dissipate? I'm not sure, but as I read the account this time it came alive with vibrant meaning for me, here, now. It was like that perfect moment early in the morning when the deep purples, blues, and pinks of dawn are in perfect balance with the first burst of sunlight over the mountain. The colors are so beautiful and serve to emphasize the wonder- often taken for granted once the sun's light has completely dissipated the darkness- of a new day, of life, of eternal hope. "Which hope, cometh of faith, maketh an anchor to the souls of men." (Ether 12:4) The hope and anchor Paul knew when he wrote:

For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor thing present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romas 8:38-39)
As Paul carefully explains earlier in the chapter, the only thing that can separate us from the strengthening, healing, redeeming love of God is our rejection of it. That is so important to understand when approaching this epoch story.

Elder David A. Bednar noted the use of the word unto: “Please notice how the power of the Spirit carries the message unto but not necessarily into the heart. … Ultimately, … the content of a message and the witness of the Holy Ghost penetrate into the heart only if a receiver allows them to enter.” (2 Nephi 33:1)

Why just unto the heart? Individual agency is so sacred that Heavenly Father will never force the human heart, even with all His infinite power. Man may try to do so, but God does not. To put it another way, God allows us to be the guardians, or the gatekeepers, of our own hearts. We must, of our own free will, open our hearts to the Spirit, for He will not force Himself upon us. (Gerald N. Lund, “Opening Our Hearts,” Ensign, May 2008, 32–34)

Now let's think about what happened during the time when Enoch and his people were building Zion. According to our record, Enoch humbly recognized those he spoke to as his brethren, equally loved of God and equally capable of deciding for themselves. Under the Lord's direction, he pleaded with them to consider the world on which they stood, and the magnitude of creation, and to stop denying their creator. Some listened and began to "experiment upon (the) words" that Enoch taught and to repent (turn back) to the Lord. (Alma 32:27, Enoch 7) Those who listened to Enoch, were so unpopular they had to flee for their lives. It took moving mountains, literally, to get those who wanted them dead to stand off. Zion was protected until the people had become beings who could comfortably dwell and learn in the presence of God. (A testimony that no one has power to thwart the purposes and opportunities that are important for our eternal growth, if we rely on the Lord.)

When the enemies of Zion noticed it was gone, they gloated that "Zion had fled."(Moses 7:69) In other words, "We won, they fled, we have successfully cast them out from among us!" Nor was the world any more accepting of those who remained behind to carry on the Lord's work. Noah not only dealt with mockery as he taught and warned, but attempts on his life. (Moses 8:18)
This correlates to a repeated pattern taught in all the scriptures, but expressly spelled out in the Book of Mormon:

Yea, and I say unto you that if it were not for the prayers of the righteous, who are now in the land that ye would even now would be visited by utter destruction; yet it would not be by flood, as were the people in the days of Noah, but it would be by famine, and by pestilence and by the sword.

But it is by the prayers of the righteous that ye are spared; now therefore, If ye will cast out the righteous from among you then will not the lord stay his hand; (Alma 10:23-24)

That imagery,of the Lord's hand, is also central in what the Lord relates to Enoch about the flood:

The Lord said unto Enoch: Behold, I am God; man of Holiness is my name, man of counsel is my name; and Endless sand Eternal is my name also. Wherefore, I can stretch forth mine hands and hold all the creations which I have made; and mine eye can pierce them also, and among all the workmanship of mine hands there has not been so great wickedness (rejection of the Lord's directions and power) as among they brethren. (Moses 7:35-36)

Just as the Lord won't force us to open our hearts-he won't force us, once we have intentionally and decidedly rejected his power, to live with the organizing, creating, sustaining, enabling grace which holds all creation together.  For visualization purposes it is as if we are held lovingly in the cupped palm of his hand, and when we insist, the palm straightens out, pulls away, and we are "free" to fall. 

Seeing and living through the effects of the Lord withdrawing -and the earth momentarily re-experiencing a piece of its primordial chaos- was so horrific that the righteous (namely Enoch and Noah) prayed that the Lord would never again withdraw so completely.  The Lord did promise, and as pointed out in the scripture above, is able to enforce eternal laws and justice equally well through other means. But, there are eternally significant reasons why the flood did happen, not the least of which is its testimony of both the Lord's power and our own position and need of him. A heartbreaking global example of the truth which is so aptly illustrated by this passage:

All flesh is grass, and all the goodliness thereof is as the flower of the field…Behold the nations are as a drop of the bucket, and are counted as the small dust of the balance; behold, (God) taketh up the isles as a very little thing….It is He that sitteth upon the circle of the earth, and the inhabitants thereof are as grasshoppers; (He) bringeth the princes to nothing; he maketh the judges of the earth as vanity. (Isaiah 40:8-23)

Remember that all the Lord says and does, he does for our benefit (John 3:16, 2 Nephi 26:23) So, the account of the flood also carries a message of profound, infinite hope. Hope that even if the whole world falls apart, if we choose the Lord, He will be with us even as he was with Noah:

Wherefore Enoch saw that Noah built and ark; and that the Lord smiled upon it, and held it in his own hand....(Moses 7:43)

Also, remember:

Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing, and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father, but the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows. (Matthew 10:29-30)

The Savior spoke those last words to his apostles before sending them out to teach. He knew they would face opposition. He prepared them for it, even telling them they would be scourged for their testimony of Him. His admonition was given to strengthen them and help them keep their perspective in the midst of difficulty. To help them look for and see how the hand of the Lord was upholding them, strengthening and enabling them to become. Now let's consider for a moment how the same was true for Noah, another faithful follower of Christ.
According to the record the flood was a storm unlike any we see today. The rain was continuous for 40 days and winds never ceased. We know the kinds of conditions that a severe storm can cause in a matter of minutes. A Tornado can wipe out a town. When that kind of storm combines over water, we call it a hurricane, and it can create a force more powerful and destructive than several atomic bombs. We know that vessels of twice the recorded size and stature of the ark have been broken to bits by lesser storms. If you've seen the recent articles on rogue waves or movies such as The Perfect Storm, you get some idea of the miracle it was that the ark survived the storm. And you get a glimpse into the level of individual care and infinite control the Lord exercises for each one of his children, if they will allow. And you also get a glimpse into the character of Noah.

Again, our experience tells us that passing through a decidedly lesser storm is an uncomfortable experience at best. The ark was not a luxury vessel- it had no heat or other accommodations. Jewish tradition recounts that Noah and his family suffered from cold, and with illness severe enough that he coughed up blood. (Hugh Nibley, Abraham in Egypt, Deseret Book, 1981, p.264) After living through these difficulties, what is his first act upon leaving the ark? It was to "build and altar to the Lord" and offer sacrifice in gratitude. Yes, he was supported by the hand of the Lord through this experience, but, no, he was not denied the oppositional opportunities for growth that come with challenges. Most importantly, he was able to profit because he recognized, with gratitude the hand that supported his every breath through the whole eternally profitable learning experience. In turn, this account can help us maintain perspective as we try to understand the difficult storms that come into our lives. Help us to not focus on the dark, cold, and discomfort, but instead discern the hand that is, even in the midst of the storm, upholding us- ensuring that even as we are tossed, we are moving forward toward our eternal goals-being prepared to see the Lord's promises fulfilled in our own lives:

The grass withereth, the flower fadeth; but the word of our God shall stand for ever…Behold, the Lord God will come with strong hand….
Hath thou not know? Hast thou not heard, that the everlasting God, the Lord, the Creator of the ends of the earth, fainteth not, neither is weary?

He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall;

 But they that wait (move forward with hope) upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles….(Isaiah 40 10,28-31)