Wrestling

I've written before about being directionally challenged and my propensity to get lost. It has been one of my greatest challenges because job changes have meant a move every few years for our family. A new place meant trying to find my way to church, schools for the kids, doctors and dentists, libraries, visiting teaching routes, and so on and so on. Now, mind you, having learned early on - long before the kids came along - that I had this penchant, I learned to obtain directions when going to a new destination. The preparation paid off, and getting a GPS device for Christmas one year, well it made this last move a whole lot easier. But in hindsight, I am grateful for the experience of occasionally getting lost because it has become a "personal parable" for me. (See "Of Babies and Birds" or "Personal Parables")

You see, there was always a moment when I would begin to suspect I was no longer headed in the right direction. A niggling wrestling within myself that I'd somehow gotten off course and that if I truly desired to get my appointed destination, I'd have to stop, make changes, and get back on course. I have a particular memory of wrestling with that feeling. It was the second time I had gone to this particular location, so I knew the name of the street I had missed and knew the name of some of the streets that intersected with that street. I was in the process of turning around when I saw a cross street by the same name as a cross street that intersected with the road I was to turn on to. I reasoned that this was the same street and would take me back on course. I reasoned it would be quicker and easier, and managed to convince myself. The truth was that I was near the edge of two townships- both which had streets of that particular name- but this one, rather than connecting into the cross street I desired, actually turned and headed in an entirely new direction. It took a while for me to give in to the growing wrestling that my assumption had been wrong, and then I had to back track even further to get back on course. I found out later, from the very person who had given me the directions, that there was only one road that led from where I got lost back to the crossroad I desired- and I turned off it when I tried to take the "shortcut."

This became a "personal parable" for me as I explored how the Lord describes our lives as a journey in which we have the choice to follow his directions in order to be able to get on and stay on His path, if we desire the eternally "good end" He promises. The word for "righteousness" used in the Old Testament literally means "to walk the path uprightly," whereas the word most frequently translated as "wickedness" literally means "to step off the path." "Repent" means "to turn" and is always coupled with the idea of returning to the path. Even the word "punish" is related. It means "to turn the head," meaning that the Lord allows circumstances sufficient to encourage a person to reconsider the path they are on- to see that what they have put their faith in will fail; end in a dead end- and consider getting on the only eternally profitable path.

All these words, and many others, convey that finding and staying on the correct path takes some diligent work on our part. In life, as in my own "personal parable," desiring to get to a certain location is not enough. Reasoning out my own directions, while disregarding those given by someone who actually knew the area led to a substantial waste of time, gas, and irritated, frustrated energy. How much more is wasted when we disregard the Lord's instruction!

I had this "personal parable" fresh in my mind when I came to the Book of Enos in the Book of Mormon. It caused me to more deeply consider what Enos meant when he said he "would tell you of the wrestle which I had before God." The first thing he notes, is that he recognizes his need to repent, to heed the words his father spoke of Jesus Christ, and turn to the Lord. Interestingly, it doesn't stop there. Once Enos knows he is no longer lost, he "began to be filled with a desire for his brethren." Enos life then became about loving and serving not only those he formely thought of as his brethren, but all of God's children, including those who considered themselves his enemies.

There is a footnote to the word "wrestle" in Enos 1 which refers to the Old Testament section on Jacob. Cross referencing Enos's and Jacob's experiences taught me so much. Both reached a point they desired to know and serve God. Both made mistakes in their lives, but committed to follow the Lords plan. Both are promised their works will bless not only their families, but untold future generations. And both record that it was not easy, but with the Lord's help they were able. The connection between the two is particularly intriguing when I saw the word "Israel" broken down into its two roots which individually mean "he wrestles or prevails" and "strength and power." The second root, "El," is often translated as "God." And so Israel translates to "God overcomes, " "God prevails," or "He who overcomes or prevails through the strength and power of God." The last translation seems to carry with it the heart of the promise of the Gospel of Jesus Christ:

For whatsover is born of God overcometh the world; and the victory that overcometh the world, even our faith. Who is he that overcometh the world, but he that believeth that Jesus is the Son of God. (1 John 5:4-5)

To him that overcometh will I grant to sit with me in my throne; even as I also overcame, and am set down with my Father in his throne. He that hath an ear, let him hear what the Spirit saith unto the churches. (Revelations 3:21-22)

These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation; but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world. (John 16:23)

So, what does it mean to "overcome." I think Jacob received profound insight to that the night he dreamed of the ladder into heaven. (Genesis 28:12) A ladder would indicate steps that need to me taken incrementally, one by one, constantly upward, to reach your goal. As the prophet Isaiah explains:

Whom shall he teach knowledge? And whom shall he make to understand doctrine? Them that are weaned from the milk, and drawn from the breast. For precept must be upon precept, precept upon precept; line upon line, line upon line; here a little, and there a little." (Isaiah 28:9-10)

I love that scripture because in so few words it not only captures the idea of a step by step learning process, but begins with the idea that we need to be "weaned from milk." In other words we all, no matter where or when we are born, are spiritual infants in relationship to God. Like infants, we have no way to provide the nourishment and growth we need for ourselves. We flounder and spiritually die if we turn away from all the Lord has prepared for us. And so he pleads:(D&C 78:17-19)

Verily, verily, I say unto you ye are little children, and have not as yet understood how great blessings the Father hath in his own hands and prepared for you; and ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along. The kingdom is your and the blessing thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours.

As a parent, I have considered what advice I would give my almost-legal-adult, going-off-to-college-in-the-fall daughter, about following directions given by someone who really knows the area. I know I would never advise her to make the choice I did in my "personal parable", and in hindsight I can admit it was not wise to ignore the already tried and proven directions. But at the time, it took running into a literal dead end for me to admit my error and start back to the right road. That dead end also has great import to me. When it comes to the more essential, spiritual wrestlings in my life I have come to recognize that the times of deepest inner turmoil have all come at times with 3 elements in common:

1) I had heard the Lord's words and felt a light, a warm pull of recognition- "this is truth; this is good"- deep within my soul.

2) Sometime after hearing those words, I faced circumstances that tested the depth of my conviction. To continue to live my life according to the pull I'd felt, the light it brought, would mean giving up something that seemed important and immediately gratifying now.

3) I wrestle over whether living up to the light was worth the apparent sacrifice.

This is where daily habits of "feasting upon the word of God" and prayer make a huge difference. (2 Nephi 32:3, Joshua 1:8) The word of God is based on the truths of eternity, and as I've written of before, it has a perspective expanding effect. It has been in moments when I am deeply immersed that I have been able to honestly evaluate whatever it is I'm wrestling with, and I have to acknowledge that the choice that seems more immediately appealing now, and makes it tempting for me to consider disregarding the Lord's direction or call, only caters to a very limited, finite, immediate gratification goal. If I raise my eyes and seek for where pursuing immediately gratifying choice will lead, I discover, over and over again it dead ends at some point.

Regrettably, for me, this realization began with actually reaching a dead end, and doing a painful journey turning back and getting on the right path. I am grateful for the loving guidance he offered, even after I so callously disregarded his careful efforts on my behalf. I am grateful for the infinite atonement that made it possible for me to "turn back" and return to the path of the Lord. But, I rejoice even more in all he offers to expand our vision, help us set eternal goals, and make each niggling wrestling deep within our souls a step forward on the right path. That is the divine purpose in this common, oft repeated, mortal experience. As we move "line upon line," step forward upon step forward, the "wrestling" is still part of our growth, but it is not about us being off track, but about the next thing we need to learn to continue journey forward toward becoming what we have the potential to become.

This brings me to another of the very few scripture references which us the term "wrestle" to describe our opportunities for growth. I found it profitable to consider it, because the person who is described as "wrestling" was, at this point in his life, a faithful follower of the Lord who had given up a high political office, and the worldly power and prestige that went with it, so that he could devote his time to sharing the Lord's directions. Obviously his wrestling was not over whether to "step off the path." Rather, he struggled when he prayed for a particular group of people, who were currently taking great pride in their self appointed, dead end path. Alma, having in his youth, openly rebelled against God, and tasted the very "pains of hell," knew what was on the line and experienced great "anguish of soul" over the decisions his brethren. He prayed for a miracle; he prayed that the Lord, "would pour out his Spirit upon the people…that he might baptize them to repentance." (Alma 23:10) The answer, which was essentially a "no", taught me a great deal about how much value the Lord places on agency. Moreover, as Alma listened and then acted upon what he learned as he continued to serve the Lord, what happened to Alma was really incredible.

In Alma 23, Alma is overwhelmed and in anguish over the pain he feels over his brethren. Several chapters later, Alma is again leading a mission to a city that wants nothing to do with the Lord. This time his prayer is different. He acknowledges that the law of agency, and that it means he will not be treated kindly- no matter how sincerely he loves and wants to help his brethren. He does, as always pray for success, to be led to those who are searching for the words of light and truth he brings. But the central focus of this prayer is to ask the Lord to strengthen him that he will be able to overcome or "bear" "afflictions" that might come because of other's choices. Why? Because he knows "their souls are precious." (Alma 31:30-35) By staying true to the path through this process of learning, of wrestling, of overcoming, Alma, like Enos, had become what we are all to become: filled with charity. He followed the directions of the Lord to:

Let thy bowel also be full of charity toward all men, and to the household of faith, and let virtue garnish they thoughts unceasingly; then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God. (Doctrine & Covenants 121:45)

That last bit, "then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God" is illustrated in several of the words from the lives and teachings of these three witnesses and examples, but my favorite cross reference to this scripture are Enos' parting words:

And I rejoice in the day when my mortal shall put on immortality, and shall stand before him; then shall I see his face with pleasure, and he will say unto me Come unto me, ye blessed, there is place prepared for you…(Enos 1:27)

That kind of confidence; that kind of true pleasure- I think it is well worth wrestling for!