Back to the Beginning

I love books. I know I've said it before, but I really love books. When life is overwhelming my favorite escape is the library. If I don't have 3 or more desirable reads on my shelf waiting, I get a little anxious. Even if I know I won't have time to read them, having them there just makes me feel better. I can't remember a time I didn't feel this way. It was a struggle for me to learn to read, but even when I couldn't read them, I still loved books. When I was in first grade I was placed in a "special" class with about a dozen students, all who were struggling to learn to read. I remember this child's illustrated Bible we had and looking at pictures- I was absolutely sure the stories were fascinating, much more so than the version I heard in primary, and I so wanted to read it for myself. By second grade I was reading so well, I was moved up to a top reading group. I checked out books with stories from around the world and read so much that fascinated me. I wanted more, and I was convinced by the pictures, that those stories in that illustrated Bible were among the most fascinating. I still remember the thrill of those word unfolding for me, - and that thrill dying in the face of confusion, irritation, and boredom.

"This reads nothing like the books from the library! That is all we know about those 'very important' people!? The 'good' guy did what?! You really want me to pattern my life after him?! God hardened pharaoh's heart and then destroyed his kingdom because he refused to let the Israelites go?! God told them 'thou shalt not kill' and then told them kill every living thing in a city?!"

Need I go on? Fortunately, that was not my last experience with the Old Testament. And at a pivotal point in my twenties, I became convinced of two things that absolutely changed my understanding of what this precious book is and teaches. The first realization was, as James so eloquently puts it, that I "lacked wisdom." (James 1:5) And the second was a bone deep conviction that my Heavenly Father and Savior are real, and deeply desire to teach me; and they, far more than I, understand the eternally precious nature of this mortal life; and they never, never waste a precious second of it.

This visual, which I was given several years ago as a teaching aid, seems to capture my experience.  What is happening in this picture? Is there a victim?  At first glance, the essence of what is happening seems pretty obvious. One young man is assaulting another. Imagine yourself on a jury to which this picture is presented by the "victim" as evidence of the assault. How do you find?

I've presented this picture and those questions to a variety of classes over the past 12 years, and received a variety of responses, including the possibility of mitigating circumstances, but the responses all have one thing common- the first young man is guilty of an unkind act. But take a look at the exact same picture, with more expanded perspective-

Amazing, isn't it? My daughter pointed out that if we could see the moments before- if we could talk to the participants- we might find that we still are completely wrong about what is going on. She has a point; the picture is not complete. Like my current understanding, the second picture still has finite limitations.  Rather like the Disciples of Christ during those days immediately following the crucifixion. These were men who felt they knew the scriptures, and who had followed and learned from the Savior for the past three years. Yet when the crucifixion happened, they felt lost and confused. What had happened didn't fit with the picture they had of what the Savior was supposed to do and be. The women's testimony of the Savior's resurrection was brushed off, in part, because the Saviors imprisonment and death didn't fit with their vision of "he which should have redeemed Israel." (Luke 24:21) And so, the Savior came to his beloved children on the road to Emmaus, and beginning with the first book of Moses (Genesis to us), taught them how "all things are created and made to bear record of me (Christ)." (Moses 6:63).

Nor is this and isolated incident in the scriptures. Repeatedly, both among those who are earnestly inquiring for the first time about the gospel of Christ, and among those who have faithfully been learning from the Lord for sometime, the pattern is the same. Adam, Abraham, Moses, Lehi, King Lamoni and his father, the Nephites at the time of Christ's visit, all are recorded as having gone "back to the beginning" and, like the men on the road to Emmaus, had the scriptures expounded together so they could see how they all truly testify of Christ and our Father's eternal plan. (Moses 5-6, Moses 1, Book of Abraham, 1 Nephi 6:10-21, Alma 18:34, Alma 22:13-15, 3 Nephi 26:1-3, Luke 24: 25-31, 44-45) With so many examples given in his words, the Lord is clearly illustrating that His "arms of mercy are extended" to all His children, and how very much he wants for each of us to learn of Him and receive all that He has prepared for us. (Mosiah 26:12, D&C 88:32-33)

I've had this growing feeling over the last couple of years, as I find myself time and again wandering through various passages of the Old Testament, that I could deeply profit by taking the opportunity to go back to the beginning, and figuratively walk the road to Emmaus, with a heart and mind open to receiving His teaching. No time like the present. Want to join me?

My "How To" Book

Teenager- what feelings does that word conjure for you? For me, it is a term full of promise. My daughter is a senior in high school, and in six short months will become a legal adult. There have been more than a few tense moments over the past year, as we try and find a parent/child relationship to fit this new time in her life. But any tense moments are made up for when I see that look in her eyes. You know, the one that means she is excited by all the possibilities of life and is looking forward to building a life of her own. If I have one hope for her, it is that she will always enjoy moments in her life filled with that kind of excitement and hope. I have first hand proof it is possible- even in a world filled with mishaps and misunderstandings.

A few months back, she and I were driving in the car having a light discussion of her study of the New Testament in Seminary. If I remember correctly we were discussing the idea of heaven and somewhere along the way I used the word "exaltation." She then shared with me that "exaltation" was one of her least favorite words. I was surprised. I can't remember a time when the word "alt" didn't conjure up feelings of light and happiness, almost ready to explode. And "exalt," well of course that is happiness even above and beyond "alt." To me the word "exalt" just feels like something wonderful.

Apparently my daughters experience in learning the word was very different. She pointed out that "exalt" had never been a vocabulary word in school, but she had heard it at church. People used it like everyone should know what it means, but she never heard anyone actually clarify what it meant. It was often tied to cautions about what not to do and the consequences of making wrong choices. She had no clue what the word itself meant, but she had learned a lot about what "ex" meant. "Ex" meant "not." An "ex-doctor" was once a doctor, but can't practice medicine anymore. When a person in our society refers to someone as their "ex," they are talking about a person- often nastily- who they have rejected as a partner in life. When you go out of a place you "exit." If your food is spoiled or rotten, or if someone dies, we use the word "expire." So, it only made sense that when this "ex" word was talked about in the scriptures it was NOT a good thing.

Then one Sunday a few years back, when she was a freshman in High School, her Sunday school teacher began to talk about exaltation and how it should be our goal. At first she was perplexed, but as she listened she realized that the definition she had assigned to the word as a child was not exactly what it meant. She realized that in the time since she had made her decision about what "exalt" must mean, she had learned that "ex" means much more than "not." It means "outside of" or "beyond" and can be a positive thing- as in the words "excite" or "excellent." However, she was accustomed to thinking of "exalt" as being a negative word- the worst state that could happen to you- and knowing she had misunderstood didn't stop the feelings she had always associated with the word from reoccurring each time she heard it, so it was not her favorite word. Our discussion was a lovely moment of shared humor, in which I shared a few of my own "exalting" experiences with gospel vocabulary.
The experience led me to think of some of the more serious misunderstandings I've encountered concerning the gospel and how they can completely obscure our feelings of hope and excitement. I clearly remember the discussion about God I participated in at a summer writing camp after my junior year in high school. After the discussion, one girl, who became a very good friend, opened up and talked of how she almost wished she could believe there was no God. Her image of God was of a very powerful being who did everything right and had little tolerance for foolish mortals. Her exact words were, "I feel as if He is just waiting for me to make a serious mistake, so He can squish me like a bug."
One of the reasons that memory crystallized for me, was because, at that moment I just couldn't offer her reassurance she was wrong. I wasn't sure. In fact, I felt as if she had given voice to thoughts and feelings I had, but was reluctant to admit. And I associated those feeling with the word "God" for a long time after. I know whether within the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or the Christian world at large, I am not alone. I recently read an article in which the author summed it up so well: "Somehow God had become the great accuser and punisher rather than the great redeemer and advocate. That doesn't seem like good news." (H. William Goddard,"God's Plan: Kinder Than We Dare Expect" http://www.ldsmag.com/myth/060217plan.html)

Yet, despite once seeing God as my most sever critic, here I now sit, absolutely sure- more sure than I am that the sun will rise tomorrow- that Heavenly Father is real and that he loves and treasure his children with a depth I am at a loss to put into words. How did such a marvelous, miraculous, change in understanding happen? Why is it I feel more joy and excitement about living now than I did when I was my daughter's age? Why am I so certain that the same change can happen for her?

Because the how and why to receive such a change is not mystery. It was there and available long before I took my Father up on His offer. It is not a selective gift, but there for all His beloved children. And our loving Father has prepared for the unique struggles of our generation. When my daughter and I had that discussion, it was at the end of her junior year and I knew in a few months she would begin a new year, and her course of study in Seminary would be the Book of Mormon. I felt such a peace knowing that she would not only be continuing in learning about our Father from the source, so to speak, but from the book that was designed, in part, for the purpose of clearing up these types of misunderstandings.

“It is not just that the Book of Mormon teaches us truth, though it indeed does that. It is not just that the Book of Mormon bears testimony of Christ, though it indeed does that, too. But there is something more. There is a power in the book which will begin to flow into your lives the moment you begin a serious study of the book. You will find greater power to resist temptation. You will find the power to avoid deception. You will find the power to stay on the strait and narrow path. The scriptures are called ‘the words of life’ (D&C 84:85), and nowhere is that more true than it is of the Book of Mormon. When you begin to hunger and thirst after those words, you will find life in greater and greater abundance” (Ezra Taft Benson, “The Book of Mormon—Keystone of Our Religion,” Ensign, Nov. 1986, 7).

I've come to think of the Book of Mormon as my "how to" book for life: How to "ask" and How to "receive;" How to "experiment upon the word" to know if there is indeed a God, and a Christ; How to "come unto Christ" and learn of His "infinite atonement;" How to see and better understand His declarations of love and guidance in all His other words; And above all - How to know what we can do to access (or more correctly, how to exercise our agency to show our willingness to receive) the cleansing, healing, strengthening, enabling power of that infinite atonement.

I don't have to have all the answers now- in fact, like my daughter that day in her Sunday school class- I am quite confident I will yet have many, um, learning moments. As I recently reflected at the end of my most recent trip through the Book of Mormon:

So much to learn, and so little time. And how to begin. I feel as if I have just opened a door to a what I thought was a great treasure room, only to discover, that though it is filled to the brim with treasures so great I can't take it all in, the room is not a room after all, but the treasure I can now behold stretches beyond the horizon and I can't help but thrill at the thought of what lies beyond the horizon. This mortal journey is just a beginning, but an important beginning. There is so, so much! Scripture such as 1 Corithians 2:9, are really, really true! 

But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.

Here is to the hope, promise, and excitement of future exploration!