Back to the Beginning

I love books. I know I've said it before, but I really love books. When life is overwhelming my favorite escape is the library. If I don't have 3 or more desirable reads on my shelf waiting, I get a little anxious. Even if I know I won't have time to read them, having them there just makes me feel better. I can't remember a time I didn't feel this way. It was a struggle for me to learn to read, but even when I couldn't read them, I still loved books. When I was in first grade I was placed in a "special" class with about a dozen students, all who were struggling to learn to read. I remember this child's illustrated Bible we had and looking at pictures- I was absolutely sure the stories were fascinating, much more so than the version I heard in primary, and I so wanted to read it for myself. By second grade I was reading so well, I was moved up to a top reading group. I checked out books with stories from around the world and read so much that fascinated me. I wanted more, and I was convinced by the pictures, that those stories in that illustrated Bible were among the most fascinating. I still remember the thrill of those word unfolding for me, - and that thrill dying in the face of confusion, irritation, and boredom.

"This reads nothing like the books from the library! That is all we know about those 'very important' people!? The 'good' guy did what?! You really want me to pattern my life after him?! God hardened pharaoh's heart and then destroyed his kingdom because he refused to let the Israelites go?! God told them 'thou shalt not kill' and then told them kill every living thing in a city?!"

Need I go on? Fortunately, that was not my last experience with the Old Testament. And at a pivotal point in my twenties, I became convinced of two things that absolutely changed my understanding of what this precious book is and teaches. The first realization was, as James so eloquently puts it, that I "lacked wisdom." (James 1:5) And the second was a bone deep conviction that my Heavenly Father and Savior are real, and deeply desire to teach me; and they, far more than I, understand the eternally precious nature of this mortal life; and they never, never waste a precious second of it.

This visual, which I was given several years ago as a teaching aid, seems to capture my experience.  What is happening in this picture? Is there a victim?  At first glance, the essence of what is happening seems pretty obvious. One young man is assaulting another. Imagine yourself on a jury to which this picture is presented by the "victim" as evidence of the assault. How do you find?

I've presented this picture and those questions to a variety of classes over the past 12 years, and received a variety of responses, including the possibility of mitigating circumstances, but the responses all have one thing common- the first young man is guilty of an unkind act. But take a look at the exact same picture, with more expanded perspective-

Amazing, isn't it? My daughter pointed out that if we could see the moments before- if we could talk to the participants- we might find that we still are completely wrong about what is going on. She has a point; the picture is not complete. Like my current understanding, the second picture still has finite limitations.  Rather like the Disciples of Christ during those days immediately following the crucifixion. These were men who felt they knew the scriptures, and who had followed and learned from the Savior for the past three years. Yet when the crucifixion happened, they felt lost and confused. What had happened didn't fit with the picture they had of what the Savior was supposed to do and be. The women's testimony of the Savior's resurrection was brushed off, in part, because the Saviors imprisonment and death didn't fit with their vision of "he which should have redeemed Israel." (Luke 24:21) And so, the Savior came to his beloved children on the road to Emmaus, and beginning with the first book of Moses (Genesis to us), taught them how "all things are created and made to bear record of me (Christ)." (Moses 6:63).

Nor is this and isolated incident in the scriptures. Repeatedly, both among those who are earnestly inquiring for the first time about the gospel of Christ, and among those who have faithfully been learning from the Lord for sometime, the pattern is the same. Adam, Abraham, Moses, Lehi, King Lamoni and his father, the Nephites at the time of Christ's visit, all are recorded as having gone "back to the beginning" and, like the men on the road to Emmaus, had the scriptures expounded together so they could see how they all truly testify of Christ and our Father's eternal plan. (Moses 5-6, Moses 1, Book of Abraham, 1 Nephi 6:10-21, Alma 18:34, Alma 22:13-15, 3 Nephi 26:1-3, Luke 24: 25-31, 44-45) With so many examples given in his words, the Lord is clearly illustrating that His "arms of mercy are extended" to all His children, and how very much he wants for each of us to learn of Him and receive all that He has prepared for us. (Mosiah 26:12, D&C 88:32-33)

I've had this growing feeling over the last couple of years, as I find myself time and again wandering through various passages of the Old Testament, that I could deeply profit by taking the opportunity to go back to the beginning, and figuratively walk the road to Emmaus, with a heart and mind open to receiving His teaching. No time like the present. Want to join me?

My "How To" Book

Teenager- what feelings does that word conjure for you? For me, it is a term full of promise. My daughter is a senior in high school, and in six short months will become a legal adult. There have been more than a few tense moments over the past year, as we try and find a parent/child relationship to fit this new time in her life. But any tense moments are made up for when I see that look in her eyes. You know, the one that means she is excited by all the possibilities of life and is looking forward to building a life of her own. If I have one hope for her, it is that she will always enjoy moments in her life filled with that kind of excitement and hope. I have first hand proof it is possible- even in a world filled with mishaps and misunderstandings.

A few months back, she and I were driving in the car having a light discussion of her study of the New Testament in Seminary. If I remember correctly we were discussing the idea of heaven and somewhere along the way I used the word "exaltation." She then shared with me that "exaltation" was one of her least favorite words. I was surprised. I can't remember a time when the word "alt" didn't conjure up feelings of light and happiness, almost ready to explode. And "exalt," well of course that is happiness even above and beyond "alt." To me the word "exalt" just feels like something wonderful.

Apparently my daughters experience in learning the word was very different. She pointed out that "exalt" had never been a vocabulary word in school, but she had heard it at church. People used it like everyone should know what it means, but she never heard anyone actually clarify what it meant. It was often tied to cautions about what not to do and the consequences of making wrong choices. She had no clue what the word itself meant, but she had learned a lot about what "ex" meant. "Ex" meant "not." An "ex-doctor" was once a doctor, but can't practice medicine anymore. When a person in our society refers to someone as their "ex," they are talking about a person- often nastily- who they have rejected as a partner in life. When you go out of a place you "exit." If your food is spoiled or rotten, or if someone dies, we use the word "expire." So, it only made sense that when this "ex" word was talked about in the scriptures it was NOT a good thing.

Then one Sunday a few years back, when she was a freshman in High School, her Sunday school teacher began to talk about exaltation and how it should be our goal. At first she was perplexed, but as she listened she realized that the definition she had assigned to the word as a child was not exactly what it meant. She realized that in the time since she had made her decision about what "exalt" must mean, she had learned that "ex" means much more than "not." It means "outside of" or "beyond" and can be a positive thing- as in the words "excite" or "excellent." However, she was accustomed to thinking of "exalt" as being a negative word- the worst state that could happen to you- and knowing she had misunderstood didn't stop the feelings she had always associated with the word from reoccurring each time she heard it, so it was not her favorite word. Our discussion was a lovely moment of shared humor, in which I shared a few of my own "exalting" experiences with gospel vocabulary.
The experience led me to think of some of the more serious misunderstandings I've encountered concerning the gospel and how they can completely obscure our feelings of hope and excitement. I clearly remember the discussion about God I participated in at a summer writing camp after my junior year in high school. After the discussion, one girl, who became a very good friend, opened up and talked of how she almost wished she could believe there was no God. Her image of God was of a very powerful being who did everything right and had little tolerance for foolish mortals. Her exact words were, "I feel as if He is just waiting for me to make a serious mistake, so He can squish me like a bug."
One of the reasons that memory crystallized for me, was because, at that moment I just couldn't offer her reassurance she was wrong. I wasn't sure. In fact, I felt as if she had given voice to thoughts and feelings I had, but was reluctant to admit. And I associated those feeling with the word "God" for a long time after. I know whether within the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, or the Christian world at large, I am not alone. I recently read an article in which the author summed it up so well: "Somehow God had become the great accuser and punisher rather than the great redeemer and advocate. That doesn't seem like good news." (H. William Goddard,"God's Plan: Kinder Than We Dare Expect" http://www.ldsmag.com/myth/060217plan.html)

Yet, despite once seeing God as my most sever critic, here I now sit, absolutely sure- more sure than I am that the sun will rise tomorrow- that Heavenly Father is real and that he loves and treasure his children with a depth I am at a loss to put into words. How did such a marvelous, miraculous, change in understanding happen? Why is it I feel more joy and excitement about living now than I did when I was my daughter's age? Why am I so certain that the same change can happen for her?

Because the how and why to receive such a change is not mystery. It was there and available long before I took my Father up on His offer. It is not a selective gift, but there for all His beloved children. And our loving Father has prepared for the unique struggles of our generation. When my daughter and I had that discussion, it was at the end of her junior year and I knew in a few months she would begin a new year, and her course of study in Seminary would be the Book of Mormon. I felt such a peace knowing that she would not only be continuing in learning about our Father from the source, so to speak, but from the book that was designed, in part, for the purpose of clearing up these types of misunderstandings.

“It is not just that the Book of Mormon teaches us truth, though it indeed does that. It is not just that the Book of Mormon bears testimony of Christ, though it indeed does that, too. But there is something more. There is a power in the book which will begin to flow into your lives the moment you begin a serious study of the book. You will find greater power to resist temptation. You will find the power to avoid deception. You will find the power to stay on the strait and narrow path. The scriptures are called ‘the words of life’ (D&C 84:85), and nowhere is that more true than it is of the Book of Mormon. When you begin to hunger and thirst after those words, you will find life in greater and greater abundance” (Ezra Taft Benson, “The Book of Mormon—Keystone of Our Religion,” Ensign, Nov. 1986, 7).

I've come to think of the Book of Mormon as my "how to" book for life: How to "ask" and How to "receive;" How to "experiment upon the word" to know if there is indeed a God, and a Christ; How to "come unto Christ" and learn of His "infinite atonement;" How to see and better understand His declarations of love and guidance in all His other words; And above all - How to know what we can do to access (or more correctly, how to exercise our agency to show our willingness to receive) the cleansing, healing, strengthening, enabling power of that infinite atonement.

I don't have to have all the answers now- in fact, like my daughter that day in her Sunday school class- I am quite confident I will yet have many, um, learning moments. As I recently reflected at the end of my most recent trip through the Book of Mormon:

So much to learn, and so little time. And how to begin. I feel as if I have just opened a door to a what I thought was a great treasure room, only to discover, that though it is filled to the brim with treasures so great I can't take it all in, the room is not a room after all, but the treasure I can now behold stretches beyond the horizon and I can't help but thrill at the thought of what lies beyond the horizon. This mortal journey is just a beginning, but an important beginning. There is so, so much! Scripture such as 1 Corithians 2:9, are really, really true! 

But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.

Here is to the hope, promise, and excitement of future exploration!

No Mountains Required

I have a very poor sense of direction. I think it's safe to say I'm directionally challenged. I can't tell you how many times, as we moved from place to place, I've told my kids we were exploring, when in fact (and they knew it) we were lost. I didn't realize exactly how challenged I was until we moved away from the mountains. You see, if I could see the mountains I could get my bearings- the mountains are to the west, or that mountain is to the west and that one to the North West. And then at least I knew the direction to go to find my way back to familiar territory.

When we moved to Ohio there were no mountains. It was a horrifying sensation- like vertigo- I had no way to get my bearings. I did a lot more "exploring," learned to carry a map, a cell phone, and a well marked map. (Thank goodness it was Dayton, Ohio and not, say, New York, New York!) When it came time to get a new car, we got one with a compass. Yes I found a way to find my bearings, but I missed the mountains. It is really so much less work to find your way when there is a huge, beautiful rock standing sentinel and giving clear direction.

Perhaps I was a little imaginative, but I felt the direction the mountains gave me was very personal. Like they were truly kind hearted giants who wished we would pay a bit more attention to what they have to say. As a teenager, one mountain was a particular source of perspective. When school, friends and family pressure seemed too much, I had only to walk out my back door and I could climb to a higher, peaceful place. The climb took effort and time. First I would go through fields and farmland, up the side until I reached a maple grove about 2/3 the way up the mountain. There was a large half exposed rock perfect for sitting on and enjoying the view. There was something amazing about seeing the house I lived in, my family, our farm, and most of the surrounding community from that exalted view.

In a field near my home was a ruin of an old homestead. From my seat in the maples, they seemed almost side by side- the living farm and ruined homestead. Those people who built it were not, at first glance, a part of my life, but the mountains had seen them come, had seen them go, had seen the house they built fall into ruin. Had seen new homes built, new families come and go. It was as if for a moment I was given insight into what really matters. That homestead family didn't take their home with them. They didn't take any money with them. What they had left behind had fallen into decay and all but disappeared- but they did leave something behind in settling the valley. Because they were among those who came and settled a community was made- a community which included my great grandparents and led, eventually to my life. What mattered most was that they built and how what they built rippled through the lives of others. It was almost as if, while I was up there the mountains shared their perspective, and when I went back home I took that with me, for at least a little while, a more clear understanding about what really matters and what really lasts in life and beyond.

And so it was that one day, in my late-twenties, I found myself staring out my living room window at the flat landscape. I had a lesson to prepare, a disaster of a house to clean, a baby soon to wake up, and two children soon home from school. I couldn't see beyond the trees and houses on the other side of the street. As much as I found the verdant green of Ohio enchanting, I also found it claustrophobic. How I longed to be able to walk out my door and climb to a place of peace and perspective. How tired I was of feeling disoriented and confused about which way was north. I wanted mountains and I was stuck in the flat, flat Midwest. I was on the verge of a really, really great pity party, but then a question crossed my mind that made me stop and reconsider.

Who made the mountains? I thought of how, in the Old Testament block we were studying the Lord was likened to a rock and a fortress. We had just finished He only is my rock and my salvation, my fortress; I shall not be greatly moved (Psalm 62:2). Did you know that the word used for "rock" has a cultural meaning beyond just rock? It was used to indicate a high place, easily visible, so it served as a beacon and gathering point in times of trouble. It was a place that would give safety, peace, protection, not only because it was made of hard enduring stone, was high up and hard for the enemy to reach, but because it provided and uncluttered view.

What those mountains meant to me, what I was really missing and wanting was the feeling of peace and increased perspective I had perched on my rock in the maple grove. I needed to know that the endless diapers, lessons, cleaning, homework, etc., where building something of value and it was hard to see that from my current perspective. Then I remembered the wonderful word's of Isaiah 40, where he paints how clear is the Lord's perspective; how complete, as compared to how limited ours is. Who hath measured the water in the hollow of his hand…and the dust of the earth in a measure, and weighted the mountains in scales…it is he that sitteth upon the circle of the earth, and the in habitants there of are as grasshoppers…but they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles." (Isaiah 4:15,22,31)

Clearly, my experiences with mountains were not given to me by the mountains, but were given through the mountains by their creator and my loving Heavenly Father. He sent my Savior and teacher to be that place of refuge, peace and perspective. The peace, the increased perspective, were gifts from Him, and so not dependant on my having access to the mountains themselves. If I live my life with Him as my point of orientation, I will be able to find direction. If I turn to Him to find increased perspective and peace, He can grant it. It is a climb that takes more than a bit of effort on my part, but whether I am in Ohio or Timbuktu, the "mountain of the Lord" is always available to me.

An Important Question

A few years back I was asked to give a fireside to the youth on the gift of the Holy Ghost. To begin the discussion I held up this visual and asked if someone would please tell me what it said. There was snickering, and shaking of heads. I asked them if they thought it was impossible for anyone to read it. They replied that it looked like a real language, and there were probably lots of people who could read it. One of the youth leaders, who had gone on a mission to Germany, piped in and said he was pretty sure it was German and had something to do with walking. I said he was right, and asked how come he was able to understand more than the rest of them. Of course, it was because he had actually taken the time and effort to study the language. I then held up the translation, and we discussed how, after taking the time and effort to listen to me and read the translation, which they all readily understood, understanding the original phrase was no longer difficult.

There was one series of questions that arose I particularly enjoyed discussing: Why would a loving Heavenly Father, who desires every one of His children to return to him, not make Himself more obvious? Why is so much effort needed to "become conversant in the language of the Holy Spirit?" How come he allows for so much to be "lost in translation?"  It was a question I had deeply struggled with, and a quick search on the web will bring up a dozen variations on this question. I have seen this question cynically used to argue against the existence of God, or against the existence of a loving, all powerful God. I can follow that line of reasoning very well, because for a short time in my life, I spouted it: If God is truly all powerful and loves his children, he would not leave them with any question about his existence or love. Many of His children question his love and whether or not He even exists. Therefore….

Yes, I was a philosophy major in college. And one thing that was drilled into my head was that a conclusion reached on the basis of faulty facts is highly suspect. The first part of this argument completely ignores a possible, and very true, alternative: Could there be a loving, eternally important reason why in mortality we are required to put forth effort to communicate and learn from our Heavenly Father? Could this mortal condition of not clearly remembering our Heavenly Father be a gift from Him?

Interestingly enough, the language exercise I chose at random, was used by one of youth to give a wonderfully insightful answer. (He thought I chose the phrase I did for exactly that purpose. Isn't it the most wonderful thing in the world when people think you are smarter than you are?) I marveled that he was able to explain so simply something that I had struggled with so much at his age. (Truth be told, his way of explaining it was so simple compared to mine. I so want to learn the art of stating truth simply!)

This young man used the example of his parents and how they did not approve of certain behaviors, such as lying, cheating and stealing. Like most children, he remembered being punished when he got caught stealing at a very young age. He was a quick learner and he made sure he did not lie, cheat or steal in front of his parents. He wasn't even tempted to try when they where around. The price for doing so was too high. The threat of getting caught, or that they might find out was also a pretty good deterrent, even when they weren't around.

As he was getting older and doing more and more without his parents' supervision, he felt he was entering a world where he had the freedom to truly decide for himself if he believed what his parents did. In a short time he would be at college and could easily "cover up" behavior his parents didn't approve of. Moreover, they would no longer have the authority to discipline him in the same way. When he was a boy and saw a candy bar he longed for but couldn't buy, his reasons for not stealing were his mother standing close buy, and the fear of disappointing her and getting in trouble. Now, when he was often at the store without any supervision, his reason for not trying to steal a CD or MP3 player he couldn't afford was because he honestly felt it was wrong. The realization of what he really believed would not have been possible is his parents had always had the type a constant presence they did in his young life. The increase in freedom he had as he grew up let him decide. So it is with this mortal opportunity. Our loving Heavenly Father created this mortal experience so that we would be truly free to decide if we want to accept Christ's invitation to "come follow me" and "walk beside him because (we) are going the same way."

I thought that young man's "personal parable" explained the importance of what we call "moral agency" marvelously. And it brought out how, far from showing a lack of God's existence or his love, it manifests the depth of his love. He loves us enough to create this world 'free of charge' so to speak, and sustain it, including our own breath, even when we use that breath to denounce Him. He loves us enough to sustain a veil that allows us to be away from his presence enough to truly choose if we want his presence. He loves us enough to let us go, knowing we might choose to stay away from Him forever. He love us enough to let us choose the type of life we want, even if He knows it isn't the best for us. And He loves us enough to consistently, patiently do all that He can to make Himself available to us, if we decide we do want to be his child, student, disciple and heir.

Next to the bestowal of life itself, the right to direct that life is God's greatest gift to man. Freedom of choice is more to be treasured than any possession earth can give. It is inherent in the spirit of man. It is a divine gift to every…being….Free agency is the impelling source of the soul's progress. It is the purpose of the lord that man become like Him. In order for man to achieve this it was necessary for the Creator first to make him free. ---David O Mckay

So what if we decide we do want to learn from Him. Make the most of this opportunity He has provided for us. Well, the answers have always been the same- funny they seemed to be much more instructive and appealing when I began to rediscover them, by my own choice, in my mid-twenties. Here are a few of my most recent favorite quotes on the subject.

The Lord will not force you to learn. You must exercise your agency to authorize the Spirit to teach you. (Richard G. Scott, “To Acquire Spiritual Guidance,” Ensign, Nov 2009, 6–9)

(Scripture) study is and act of faith requiring the use of personal agency. (Preach My Gospel [2004], 17).

Prayer is an act of faith through which we petition our Father in Heaven regarding our needs. It is not a means to change God, but rather a way to change ourselves as we submit our minds and hearts to his will. (‘More Purpose in Prayer’,” Ensign, Jun 1995, 55)

For when we want to speak to God, we pray. And when we want Him to speak to us, we search the scriptures. (Robert D. Hales, "Holy Scriptures," Ensign, Nov. 2006, p4)

Lost in Translation

Anyone who has traveled in a foreign country probably has a humorous antidote to tell about what was lost in translation. I had the opportunity to travel to Germany on a school exchange when I was 14. We went for six weeks, and there was a corresponding group of students from a high school in Bonn, Germany. They stayed in our homes, while in the U.S., and we stayed with them. During the first few weeks we stayed in Bonn, we attended school, theoretically immersing ourselves in the language and preparing for a trip to various other German cities and landmarks. Special time was spent in teaching us key "emergency" phrases. Truthfully, I was overwhelmed with all there was to do and see and I chose to join with those who often skipped classes. Most of the shops in Bonn had clerks that knew adequate English. I felt pretty confident that I hadn't missed anything important.

However, one evening in the midst of Köln, I found myself with just another American student. We had gotten separated from the group, finished looking around and shopping, and desperately wanted to get back to the youth hostel where we were staying. There seemed to be no choice but to ask for directions, though there weren't many people to choose from. It was decided I was better at the language so when we saw a clean cut young man, we decided to ask. I consulted my German/English dictionary to be safe, and felt confident I knew how to clearly ASK if he could give DIRECTIONS to the youth hostel. In response his face lit up, he walked over put his arm around me, and leaned down to whisper his response suggestively in my ear. Being a conservative, religious farm girl from Idaho, I was shocked and repelled. I pushed him away with a NEIN! He looked confused and irritated, and we quickly walked away, really disgusted that this obviously older young man would try to take advantage of our being lost like that. We then tried prayer, and did find our way back to the youth hostel.

Later, when we related the incident to the German students, the boys in the group burst out laughing. Seems I got it a bit mixed up. The words I used weren't wrong- taken separately they meant just what I thought they did- but use that verb tense and word order, and from the young man's perspective I had not ASKED for directions, but DIRECTED the young man to accompany me back to the youth hostel - in that time and culture a clear invitation to um…. Needless to say, I took the time to learn the right way to ask for directions and just to be sure, I didn't go out sightseeing again without a German student.

Prior to this moment, the only place I wrote (or spoke) about that incident was in the journal I kept during my visit to Germany. But I have thought about it from time to time. Especially after I received those "personal parables" I wrote about in my last blog. Just as there was a huge gap between the true thoughts and intents of my heart and what that family of robins perceived them to be, the experience with my son showed me there was a huge gap between the thoughts and intents of my Heavenly Father, and what I perceived them to be. But, we are clearly taught that the reverse is not true. He has a perfect understanding of the thoughts and intents of our hearts. (See Alma 12:7, Alma 18:32, Doctrine & Covenants 6:16) And He earnestly desires that we should know of His love for us. (John 3:16, Jeremiah 31:3, 2 Nephi 26:26 for a very few examples of many, many.) So why did I tend to see God first as an authoritarian- who hated my weakness and expected perfect obedience and who delighted in punishing me when I made mistakes- rather than a loving Father who designed this whole mortal experience so that I might learn and grow, and who patiently and lovingly walks beside me, cheering on my weaker steps, and giving me His hand to strengthen me as I learn. And why, after many years of having that misconception, did it begin to change? Why did I begin to see in baby's steps and robin's wings manifestations of God's love?

That mortifying experience from my youth seemed to hold a key to my question. The young man had misunderstood the thoughts and intents of my heart because I had not taken the time to become conversant in his language. I had the opportunity to learn the German phrase I needed before I ever left the U.S. Moreover, I had several opportunities to learn and practice the German language, both at school and in my exchange partner's home. I just really didn't feel the need- assuming what I knew to be quite adequate. You might say I had an attitude of a sightseer rather than a student. In the same way, a few years prior to the experience with my son, I realized I had never really treated the gospel like other subjects that really interested me. When we studied Egypt in 4th grade, I went to the library and found out everything I could on the subject. When we studied Greek mythology, I read everything I could get my hands on about it. In fact, I think it safe to say I had studied texts about Medieval Christianity more than the precious scriptures themselves. Up until I faced some adult difficulties, I just really didn't feel the need to be a student of the scriptures the way I had been a student of so many other things. I really felt, having grown up in a home where the gospel was available, I knew enough. And like my German partner and the Bonn school teachers, the Lord doesn't ever force his children. Instead he offers, if we desire it, and recognize our need to learn, to teach us "line upon line." If we continue as His student He promises that we can "know the mysteries of God until (we) know them in full." (James 1:5, Isaiah 28:9-10, Alma 12:10) In short he promises we will become conversant in His language, understand Him clearly, and "feel encircled about eternally in the arms of his love." (1 Nephi 1:15) In those "personal parables" was my personal "hug" and manifestation that His promise was beginning to happen in my life. God cannot lie. When I saw myself first and foremost as a student, sorely in need of wisdom, learning at His feet; when I made a daily effort to "feast upon the words of Christ," trusting His promise that they would "tell (me) all things what (I) should do;" I began to see and feel his love and learn his ways, just as every one of His children who seeks him does. I think what amazed me most, and continues to amaze me, was how deeply individual and personal is His teaching method. I guess I was and am learning what Elder Ballard so eloquently taught:

Brothers and sisters, I believe that if we could truly understand the Atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ, we would realize how precious is one son or daughter of God….Sadly, in today’s world, a person’s importance is often judged by the size of the audience before which he or she performs. That is how media and sports programs are rated, how corporate prominence is sometimes determined, and often how governmental rank is obtained...Yet, in the eyes of the Lord, there may be only one size of audience that is of lasting importance—and that is just one, each one, you and me, and each one of the children of God.

"Of Babies and Birds" or "Personal Parables"

In Moses 7:63, the Savior instructs Adam that "all things are created and made to bear record of me." The Savior illustrated this in the way he taught during his earthly ministry- largely by using everyday occurrences in parables to illustrate His gospel. One of my favorite is the simple scripture, "Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father. but the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows." (Matthew 10:29-31) It is but one of many, many times the Lord declares his love and devotion to His children. This one I love because it focuses on how individually precious we are to him. With that in mind I have found life to be series of "personal parables," if you will, in which the Lord helps me understand His love and His will for me.

One of the first, and most treasured, was when my youngest son was learning to walk, I was blessed to be teaching early morning seminary. With a baby and two elementary aged children, I often felt my seminary preparation was less than it should be, but having to have a lesson prepared each morning meant my mind was constantly mulling over the next section, and I loved the feel that brought to my life- like the Lord was more visible and real. However, it also brought into focus all the ways my life was less than it should be, and I just knew, after all he had done and given for me, He was disappointed, perhaps even angry with me. Then came the afternoon Jacob decided to take his first steps. He had pulled himself up using the couch and stood facing me grinning. I grinned back and encouraged him to "come to mommy" and he did. I, of course, was so excited! I laughed and hugged and kissed him, and he laughed. And we were soon doing it again. It suddenly occurred to me that I had gravely mistaken God's view of my life. He clearly tells me that I am his child; he clearly tells me "as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." (Romans 8:16-17, Isaiah 55:9) He clearly tells me that He is the perfect embodiment of love. If, in my love for my son, my only thought at his attempts to walk were joy, excitement, and a determination to offer him all he needed to succeed, why on earth did I credit God with such a different response to my imperfect steps? I couldn't imagine anything more painful than to have had my treasured child respond to this wonderful milestone in his development by turning away from me in shame and self criticism. This marvelous mortal opportunity was provided expressly to give us the opportunity to choose to walk like our father. And just as gravity made it possible for Jacob to learn to walk, Heavenly Father provided the opposing forces necessary for us to learn to walk like Him. What would happen, I wondered, if I changed my thoughts to a certainty that the Lord was cheering me on in my feeble attempts. That his arm was truly there for the purpose of helping me gain confidence in my steps. That he understood, far more than me, what a gradual process it was. And, like I did with my son, he treasured the joy of helping me through that process.

Oh, to capture and keep the peace and joy of moment. My former habits had not been to see the Lord in this way, and so my first attempts to live life with that perspective were very unsure. But, I felt the Lord’s support in other “personal parables. ” For instance, a few years later, a baby robin, just learning to fly, got into our garage. My husband had been working on his dirt bike, changing the oil and had left a small bucket of oil out uncovered. I heard a horrible squawking out in the garage and discovered the baby had fallen into the oil and the mother and father were frantically swooping around the bucket. I scooped the baby out of the oil and ran into the kitchen, and very grateful for Discovery TV, and its special on oil spill cleanups off the Alaskan coast; used a bit of dish washing soap to try and save the bird. After I cleaned up what I could, I set him outside hoping his parents would reclaim him. They did, and his father, a robin with a very distinctive large tuff of feathers on his head, literally chased me back into the house. I know that the baby bird survived, because, unlike his nest mates, he never left his parents. I saw him next only a few days later. He was struggling to fly straight. I drew closer to make sure he was "my" bird and his parents closed in squawking and diving around my head. It was obviously not with gratitude they remembered me! No, from their perspective I was obviously not a loving friend who had tearfully worked and prayed to save their child's life. Rather, they felt I was an awful fiend who had caused them great grief and they used considerable wasted energy striving to make sure I would not harm their family again.

I saw the trio from time to time when I went on walks in my neighborhood. I always knew when we met up because the protective father, with his very distinctive tuff, would swoop down on me, trying to drive me away from their current position. I in turn, felt a great deal of affection for this beautiful family whose lives had crossed with mine, and so, as to not cause them any further distress I tried to keep my distance. I couldn't help but reflect on how large the gap was between what the real thoughts and intents of my heart were, and what they perceived them to be. And suddenly this very everyday occurrence became another personal parable which illustrated what the Lord tried to tell the people of Judah, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)

What really hit home was that I had read that scripture, which had been in Jeremiah my whole life, including one round of teaching the Old Testament in early morning seminary, but never really noticed it until I read it quoted in a fiction book one day after a walk- and a robin dive bombing. I thought about the times I had been so busy "dive bombing" the Lord for things I did not like in my life. I thought about the fact, that like the birds with me, I could not both "dive bomb" and welcome the Lord's loving presence. And I recalled, and felt again, the wonder of the day my son learned to walk. Yes, all things do testify of him- even things as small and ordinary as a bird or a baby.

Storytime

Its story time!
Once upon a time there was a young man who loved cars. He worked and he saved and one day he was able to buy the sport car of his dreams. (Here you may insert in your mental film of this story your dream car.) He decided to take his precious new acquisition out for a drive on a winding country road. He came up over a rise and saw a boy up ahead standing by the road. The boy say him and waved. The man, thinking of how delighted he would have been at that age to see such a beautiful car drive by, slows,so the boy can better enjoy the view, and waves back as he goes by. As he passes the boy stoops down, grabs a rock, and hurls it at the car. The rock hits.

OK, freeze frame, stop film, and consider:
What do you think of the boy? What would you think or do if you were in the young man's position? (I haven't met anyone, including myself that didn't first assume the boy's motives were at least somewhat delinquent. If you are the first I would love to hear about it.)

OK, resume film.
The man was rightly shocked, which was quickly followed by anger and a determination that the boy would not get away with this. He stopped, put the car in reverse and quickly backed up. He was so busy running through the scathing correction he would give, and how the boy would pay for what he had done, that he didn't find it odd that the boy didn't run away. As soon as he was next to the boy, he put down his window and prepared to let the boy have it. He had no time, for as soon as the window cracked the boy began to thank him and tell him that he had a friend seriously injured in a nearby field, and he needed to get help and how sorry he was for throwing the rock, but he didn't know how else to get the car to stop and would he please help.

OK, end story number one.
Has your estimation of the boy and his motives changed? Why did you make the assumptions you first did? How come your first thought was not that this was a good boy trying to save his friend's life?

I first heard that story in a leadership training meeting. It stuck with me because I realized I often make the same kind of erroneous assumptions about others in my life. There is a saying that you shouldn't judge a person until you have walked a mile in his shoes. It would be a wonderful thing if we could actually do that, but then we wouldn't have time to live our own unique lives, would we? In the above story, the young man did kindly attempt to put himself in the boy's shoes. From the moment the man saw the boy he thought of his own experiences and desires, and assumed the boy was standing there staring and waving for the same reason he would have- in admiration of the car. Following the same train of reasoning, when the boy threw the rock, the young man assumed it was based on jealously or malice, because that is the only reason he could come up with as to why he would've thrown a rock if he had been in the boys place. But he was not the boy and he was very, very wrong about what was in the boys heart.

Which brings me back to the power of knowing the love of God. God loves each of us perfectly, and he is able to see and understand each of us more deeply than we can understand each other without his help. As he tells us in 1 Samuel 16:7 "for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man lookeeth on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart." One of the remarkable promises the Lord gives us is the promise that if we choose to become his followers he will share the gift of his love and perspective with us, so that it becomes a defining characteristic of our being. In Moroni 7:48 we are taught "Pray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true follower of his Son, Jesus Christ." And one of the components of charity we are taught, is that it rejoices in truth. (1 Corinthians 13:6, Moroni 7:45) And truth we are taught is "things as they reallly are." (Jacob 4:13, Doctrine & Covenants 93:24). And, since it is story time, there is one particular story that brought this all together for me. I am so grateful Elder Groberg chose to share his experience. Though I've never had the dramatic experience he had, I delighted in recognizing that what had happened for him was happening for me- the same type change in how I saw the world and others- and the same struggle, at times to hang on to it. When I have one of those days when the the love of God feels light years away- you know the days you feel you could cheerfully cause great damage to various persons, and most often their cars- I find this story time helps me remember the most important thing I know.

Elder Groberg:

God is anxious to help us feel His love wherever we are. Let me give an example.

As a young missionary I was assigned to a small island of about 700 inhabitants in a remote area of the South Pacific. To me the heat was oppressive, the mosquitoes were terrible, the mud was everywhere, the language was impossible, and the food was—well, “different.”

After a few months our island was struck by a powerful hurricane. The devastation was massive. Crops were ruined, lives were lost, housing was blown away, and the telegraph station—our only link to the outside world—was destroyed. A small government boat normally came every month or two, so we rationed our food to last four or five weeks, hoping the boat would come. But no boat came. Every day we became weaker. There were acts of great kindness, but as the sixth and seventh weeks passed with very little food, our strength slipped noticeably. My native companion, Feki, helped me in every way he could, but as the eighth week commenced, I had no energy. I just sat under the shade of a tree and prayed and read scriptures and spent hours and hours pondering the things of eternity.

The ninth week began with little outward change. However, there was a great inward change. I felt the Lord’s love more deeply than ever before and learned firsthand that His love “is the most desirable above all things … yea, and the most joyous to the soul” (1 Ne. 11:22–23).

I was pretty much skin and bones by now. I remember watching, with deep reverence, my heart beating, my lungs breathing, and thinking what a marvelous body God has created to house our equally marvelous spirit! The thought of a permanent union of these two elements, made possible through the Savior’s love, atoning sacrifice, and Resurrection, was so inspiring and satisfying that any physical discomfort faded into oblivion.

When we understand who God is, who we are, how He loves us, and what His plan is for us, fear evaporates. When we get the tiniest glimpse of these truths, our concern over worldly things vanishes. To think we actually fall for Satan’s lies that power, fame, or wealth is important is truly laughable—or would be were it not so sad.

I learned that just as rockets must overcome the pull of gravity to roar into space, so we must overcome the pull of the world to soar into the eternal realms of understanding and love. I realized my mortal life might end there, but there was no panic. I knew life would continue, and whether here or there didn’t really matter. What did matter was how much love I had in my heart. I knew I needed more! I knew that our joy now and forever is inextricably tied to our capacity to love.

As these thoughts filled and lifted my soul, I gradually became aware of some excited voices. My companion Feki’s eyes were dancing as he said, “Kolipoki, a boat has arrived, and it is full of food. We are saved! Aren’t you excited?” I wasn’t sure, but since the boat had come, that must be God’s answer, so yes, I was happy. Feki gave me some food and said, “Here, eat.” I hesitated. I looked at the food. I looked at Feki. I looked into the sky and closed my eyes.

I felt something very deep. I was grateful my life here would go on as before; still, there was a wistful feeling—a subtle sense of postponement, as when darkness closes the brilliant colors of a perfect sunset and you realize you must wait for another evening to again enjoy such beauty.

I wasn’t sure I wanted to open my eyes, but when I did I realized that God’s love had changed everything. The heat, the mud, the mosquitoes, the people, the language, the food were no longer challenges. Those who had tried to harm me were no longer my enemies. Everyone was my brother or sister. Being filled with God’s love is the most joyous of all things and is worth every cost.

I thanked God for this choice time and for the many reminders of His love—the sun, the moon, the stars, the earth, the birth of a child, the smile of a friend. I thanked Him for scriptures, for the privilege of prayer, and for that most marvelous reminder of His love—the sacrament.

I learned that as we sing the sacrament hymns with real intent, phrases like “How great the wisdom and the love” or “Dearly, dearly has he loved! And we must love him too” will swell our hearts with love and gratitude (see “How Great the Wisdom and the Love,” Hymns, no. 195; “There Is a Green Hill Far Away,” Hymns, no. 194). As we sincerely listen to the sacrament prayers, phrases such as “always remember him,” “keep his commandments,” “have his Spirit to be with them” will fill our hearts with an overwhelming desire to be better (see D&C 20:77, 79). Then when we partake of the bread and the water with a broken heart and a contrite spirit, I know we can feel and even hear those most wondrous words “I love you. I love you.”

I thought I would never forget these feelings, but the pull of the world is strong and we tend to slip. But God continues to love us. (John H. Groberg, “The Power of God’s Love,” Ensign, Nov 2004, 9)

The Most Important Thing to Know

About a year ago my husband and I flew out to Albuqurque, New Mexico for him to interview for his current job. As he attended to his interviews I had an opportunity to explore the area to see if I found it livable. Housing prices and school evaluations all tended to point to Rio Rancho, and so I input the addresses of a few houses for sell on the web into my TOMTOM and went exploring. I was born in the mountain west- which has a fair amount of trees and grass- and had been living in the Midwest for the past 12 years- which is green, green, green! So seeing houses set on lots of sandy dirt, sagebrush and rock was so different. I think what I felt can only be called dismay.

However, for reasons I won't delve into here, we did make the move. And as I sit here now looking out my office window at a backyard covered in sand, sagebrush, and tumble weeds, I see so much that is beautiful. I have little artistic talent, but I am so enthralled by what I have seen called the "crystalline quality" of the air here. The play of light and shadow, especially on the mountain ranges. The deep rich colors of the sunsets and sunrises. So, what changed? Obviously not New Mexico. What changed was my perception of the situation. That change in perception happened very quickly after we arrived, and it parallels and was dependant upon, a much more gradual expanding perspective of life that started when I first began to seriously study the gospel of Christ. It seems that with the gospel of Christ at the center of my life, there are wonderful people and beauty and joy wherever you go.

Once I saw the world quite differently- a place to step carefully with your guard on full alert. I have a clear memory, probably one of many, of a time I firmly declared that idea of lasting love and a happy marriage could only be God's practical joke on the human race. How wrong that perception was! How did this miraculous, burden lifting, change in perception happen? It came just as the Lord says it will, line upon line; but I do recall one realization that brought a dramatic expansion in my vision- that of knowing, really knowing deep in my soul that I am a beloved and cherished daughter of God. President Uchtdorf's description of that love, given a few weeks ago in General Conference, left me breathless:

Think of the purest, most all-consuming love you can imagine. Now multiply that love by an infinite amount—that is the measure of God’s love for you.
God does not look on the outward appearance. I believe that He doesn’t care one bit if we live in a castle or a cottage, if we are handsome or homely, if we are famous or forgotten. Though we are incomplete, God loves us completely. Though we are imperfect, He loves us perfectly. Though we may feel lost and without compass, God’s love encompasses us completely.
He loves us because He is filled with an infinite measure of holy, pure, and indescribable love. We are important to God not because of our résumé but because we are His children. He loves every one of us, even those who are flawed, rejected, awkward, sorrowful, or broken. God’s love is so great that He loves even the proud, the selfish, the arrogant, and the wicked.
What this means is that, regardless of our current state, there is hope for us. No matter our distress, no matter our sorrow, no matter our mistakes, our infinitely compassionate Heavenly Father desires that we draw near to Him so that He can draw near to us. (http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-1117-7,00.html)

There is so much I wonder about, so much I have yet to learn, but I have learned this one thing and it has brought me to understand that this mortal experience is an opportunity beyond compare provided by a loving Heavenly Father. As Nephi testified, "I know that he loveth his children" and "He doeth not anything save it be for the benefit of the world." (1 Nephi 11:17, 2 Nephi 26:24) That in turn has changed my perspective on so many other things- especially words in the scriptures I used to struggle with, like anger, evil, vengeance, chastisement, discipline, and punishment. The more I've explored from a perspective of confidence in the Lord's love for me, the more I have found that even these words are rooted in the Lord's love for us. It truly is as Joseph Smith taught:

Happiness is the object and design of our existence. . . .(A)s God has designed our
happiness– he never will institute an ordinance or give a commandment to His people that is not calculated in its nature to promote the happiness which He has designed, and which will not end in the greatest amount of good and glory to those who become the recipients of his law and ordinances.—Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, p.225

Perspective

Perspective:

I've thought of another reason why I love aquariums. They give me a view- an, at times, breathtaking perspective that is usually unavailable to me. I have been to beaches, and swum in both the Pacific and Atlantic oceans, and I treasure the beauty of those moments. However, I don't have gills, and, please don't tell my kids, but I am very claustrophobic and never was able to make it to the bottom of the 12 foot pool in my childhood swimming class-so scuba diving is not an option. But as I walk through the aquarium it opens up to me this otherwise hidden world. Without the wonders of modern science, including Plexiglas, the only dry view of the ocean available is of the surface, which is literally that, only the surface of a complex beautiful world. We miss so much if that is the only perspective of the ocean we see.

No wonder when we see an towering aquarium exhibit, that allows us an ocean floor view, we stop and stare, point and exclaim, and take pictures in an attempt to take that feeling of discovery and increased perspective home. Which brings me to the point of these musings- the scriptures. I was thinking last night how often I feel that same wonder as I delve into the scriptures. That mind spinning broadening of perspective. How different things in life seem, how much more wondrous and full of point and purpose even mundane things seem after spending time with my Savior. After all, He tells us, "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." (Isaiah 55:8-9) You can't ask for a better perspective than that. And, marvelously He promises to share it with us, if we choose. As Elder Scott recently taught, "However, the Lord will not force you to learn. You must exercise your agency to authorize the Spirit to teach you." (http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-1117-2,00.html)How to "exercise agency to authorize the Spirit to teach" me has been a big question in my life. If forced to summarize what I've learned so far- I find it so difficult to say things in few words- I would say the key is to envision yourself first and foremost as a student, with complete confidence in your instructor, at the Savior's feet. Think about what a priceless treasure it is to have the opportunity to learn from the master of all creation, a being of perfect eternal perspective, and a being who infinitely treasures and loves you. Then open the scriptures daily, even if for only a few moments, and listen. It works

Ripples of Light

I love aquariums. Especially the huge ones you pay to see. There is something abosolutely magical about them. I always feel I am somehow closer to understanding the meaning and wonder of life as I watch hundreds of sharks, fish, and other creatures interact. Maybe it is because water feels so much more substansive than air, it becomes so obvious that, though each aquarium dweller seems most intent on taking care of their own needs, they are also constantly sending out ripples that effect their fellow aquariuns. Some are small, some are large, but they are visibly there. This led me to think about ripples. How once they are sent out they ripple on forever. How some ripples create beauty, while others seem to iterfere, or muddy the waters. I once saw the ripples sent out by a shark literaly toss a smaller fish. Yet, recently I discovered that those beatiful rays of glittering light shimmering through the aquarium are made when light is captured and magnified by ripples on the surface of the water. What a wonderful thing it would be, if I were able to stand and review my life, to see that I had become like those ripples, adding beauty, warmth, and light to the world around me. Is it possible?

Answering that question was easy. I cannot count the number of people who have blessed my life in that way. Many of whom I've never even met. For instance in considering this question I went to one of my favorite websites, lds.org, and put "ripples" into the search engine. I found a talk by that title given by Virginia Jensen in the October, 2000, General Relief Society Meeting. She emphasized the difference one person can make when they act upon the truths they know. One person she mentioned whose righteous choices ripple on even now was Mary, mother of the Savior. This brought to mind something Mary said in Luke 1. After accepting the eternal truth "that with God nothing is impossible" and firmly deciding she would do the Lord's will, she later declares, "My soul doth magnify the Lord." (Luke 1:37-38,46) What a wonderful declaration and testimony. It is possible to not only do good and share warmth, beauty and light, but for me to become a soul that magnifys the light of the Son of God, the way the ripples magnify the light of the sun! However Mary didn't do it alone. When she made that declaration she was talking to Elizabeth, who had welcomed her to come stay during a difficult time. Hence this blog- I can't help but think their are others who also wish to be ripples of light in this world. In fact I know there are because I have lived all over the U.S., and I have met many. I hope to meet many more who share my desire to be as described in the lyrics to one of my favorite songs:

A Window To His Love
Words and Music by Julie de Azevedo

I want to be a window to His love, so when you look at me you will see Him.
I want to be so pure and clear that you won't even know I'm here, 'cause His love will shine brightly through me.
I want to be a doorway to the truth, so when you walk beyond you will find Him.
I want to stand so straight and tall, that you won't notice me at all. But through my open door He will be seen.
A window to His love. A doorway to the truth. A bearer of the message He'd have me bring to you
And with each passing day I want to fade away. 'Till only He can be seen And I become a window to His love.
I want to be a window to His love, so you can look through me and you'll see Him.
And some day shining through my face, you'll see His loving countenance, 'cause I will have become like He is
A window to His love. A doorway to the truth. A bearer of the message He'd have me bring to you
And with each passing day I want to fade away. 'Till only He can be seen And I become... A window to His love A doorway to the truth. A bearer of the message He'd have me bring to you. And with each passing year I want to disappear 'Till He's become ev'rything and I've become a window to His love.