It's been awhile. Well, awhile since I attempted to take my notes and organize them into a hopefully, coherent and organized manner. But I have continued through the Old Testament. It has been a few months since I wandered with the children of Israel in the wilderness and sympathized with their struggles. I can just imagine the feeling of elation they felt in their release. I can tell you that my natural tendency upon hearing Moses relate the Lord's promises (along with Israel's part if they were to receive those promises) would have been to focus on the promise of the "land flowing with milk and honey." I could just imagine taking all that I thought unfairly denied me in Egypt, and dreaming of my own home and land, where happy children have the care of a mother who doesn't have to leave each day to fill a tally of bricks. Who are not mocked, or perhaps pressed into child labor, by wealthier, entitled Egyptians. Where I dress is nice clothing, eat delicious food, and, in short, have a good life. A good life that includes the freedom to worship the God I love. It is a good dream- the best I can build- so I would just assume it was what the Lord saw as best, too. I can imagine myself filling my thoughts with that dream, so much so that Moses' further instructions, or even the voice of the Lord as it echoed off Mount Sinai, would not penetrate. And so, yes, I can imagine wondering over the delays and often deadly difficulties, questioning the Lord's love, and getting angry and increasingly bitter over my dream not being fulfilled.
It's easy for me to imagine because, though I have never been to Egypt or walked the desert of Sinai, I was raised by parents who had faith in Christ, and had several moments growing up when I was sure of my faith. Yet, as I faced some of the inevitable difficulties of adult life, I found an increasing number of moments when I questioned the very existence of God and the identity of Jesus Christ as Savior and Redeemer of the world. As the difficulties did not resolve in the way I felt answered my righteous prayers and expectations, those moments turned into days, and the days turned into weeks and months. The world began to be a very dreary wilderness, indeed, and, as I felt the faith of my childhood had failed me, I began to search elsewhere. But, I found nothing satisfying. I finally decided that if I was going to find some peace, and live my life with honesty and integrity, I needed to have my name removed from the records of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I felt I didn't believe in Christ, let alone know or, even really believe, that any church was His church. And so, I informed my concerned friends and family and made the requisite appointment with the bishop to get the ball rolling. I walked into that office defiantly confident, and walked out somewhat stunned.
My discussion with that bishop that first night (whose name I've completely forgotten) led me to one sure introspective insight. In all my reading, searching and analyzing, in all my questioning- I had never really treated the scriptures as a source book. I read the words of Buddha, Mohamed, Darwin, old and new age philosophers with an "open mind," carefully evaluating and looking for information that "felt true". But the scriptures? Those I had consistently approached like I would now approach a primary reader- like I had learned all they had to teach and I just reviewed them because that was part of practicing my faith. That bishop seemed to have taken a different approach. True, he looked terrified and shaken when I announced my reason for being there, and then he took a deep breath and asked if we could open with prayer. After the prayer, the terror was gone from his eyes, and he seemed to emanate a quiet strength and calm assurance. My background professionally had seen me spending hours writing legal arguments- trying to make a case which could not be successfully argued against. I guess you could say I used a similar approach in searching out the truth, but that approach just seemed to have no place in our discussion that night. He listened intently, and I didn't feel he was trying to prove anything, but simply share with me his best understanding. He would pause after I had my say, be quiet for a moment and then without reference to notes or the topical guide, turn to a scripture. I kept wondering at the fact that most of the scriptures sounded unfamiliar to me- how could that be when his set of scriptures looked just like mine! Could it be that I really did not know what I was rejecting? He ended that visit with a scripture I was very familiar with:
If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God who giveth to all men liberally and upbraideth not.(James 1:5)
Not lacking wisdom, in my own estimation, meant that when circumstances, including, the choices of others, prevented the unfolding of the life I prayed, worked, and hoped for, it had to be because God wasn't there or didn't care. It effectively shut my ears and eyes to the possibility that God may have had a higher purpose and wisdom in not facilitating my life unfolding as I directed. It also meant that when I looked at the commandments of God, I did from a perspective of believing I had wisdom sufficiently equal with His to evaluate why he might have given a command. Then I could decide if, in my equally valid wisdom, I should obey it. But what if His perspective and wisdom were infinitely greater than mine? What if, as the Lord declares:
My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways…for as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8-9)
I began to consider that if that were indeed the case, then it would follow that my current view of my own wisdom was essentially a self made barrier blocking out any communication from the Lord that sought to teach me answers that went beyond or above my current thoughts or habits. Intriguing thought, but how to know if such were indeed the case- according to that same bishop there was only one way- ask. And so I did, after I returned home from another visit two weeks later, thinking, "This is it, the last try!"
I asked the same questions I had asked before. I used many of the same words. The only thing I could pinpoint as varying at all from my previous attempts was a marked shift in my purpose. If truth was to be had, I wanted it for itself. I had already decided it was worth leaving the faith of my childhood behind. But now I was equally willing to, as I so eloquently put it then, eat a large heaping of crow, if I was wrong. Things that seemed so important even a few weeks before- winning the argument, proving I was right, not appearing a fool to others and having their respect for my intelligence- didn't disappear. They were just eclipsed by my primary motivation to be open to truth, if it was to be had, and then treasuring that truth and building my life around it. No, the outward wrapping of the prayer I uttered that night was not noticeably different from previous prayers, but what was in those questions- my intent, my most earnest desire, my purpose- was different and that made all the difference in what I received.
It has been close to 17 years since that night, and I can find no better words to describe my experience, than the ones I used that very evening. It was as if a shutter that had been darkening my world was ripped off and light poured in. Yes, I received a witness that God is real, Jesus Christ is real. He is the Savior and Redeemer of the world. His love for us is beyond comprehension. With equal force came a witness that Joseph Smith was and is a prophet of God and the Book of Mormon is God's word and gift. I got those answers, but perhaps the most pivotal thing I was taught was that I had been repeatedly given those same answers! I had brought forcefully to mind several times along the course of my life when -no I had not imagined it- I had felt a portion of the same light that now poured into my mind. The problem hadn't been with whether the answers were given. Rather, it was with the narrow, wise in my own eyes, restrictions I had put on what and how I would receive. And I knew that I could -if I didn't immediately begin to build my life around the real and vivid answer I had received and I fell back into the same habits- reach a point where what was undeniably real seemed just as doubtful as my previous answers. The Lord in his infinite love and wisdom was gives all His children the additional gift of choosing what to do with all He gives.
Habits can be hard to change, and I have repeatedly marveled at the personal love and attention shown to me that night in impressing on my soul the difference I make to the answers I will receive. My natural tendencies are such that as I have wandered with the children of Israel, I can easily understand how they could have seen the Lord's power in Egypt, and then when the Egyptian army approached asked accusingly:
Wherefore hast thou dealt thus with us, to carry us for out of Egypt? For it had been better for us to serve the Egyptians, than we should die in the wilderness.(Exodus 14:11-12) (What's in the question: We followed the Lord (or was it just Moses?) here and now we face an even greater threat. We don't see how it can work out except in our deaths! We should have never followed him.)See how the narrow focus on how they thought God should do His job, if he was indeed with them, closed them off from receiving and enjoying the peaceful witness like that Elisha, in an equally dire position, enjoyed some many years later:
Fear not, for they that be with us are more than they that be with them. (2 Kings 6:16)Yes, they still saw his power manifest, but for all those with narrow focus, the benefits seemed to evaporate like mist. After passing triumphantly through the Red Sea, they discovered a lack of food and water. It was not comfortable. It was possibly life threatening. It was, again, not what they expected!
Is the Lord among us or not? (Exodus 17:7) (What's in the question: If the Lord was with us we should be well fed, comfortable, and well on our way to the promised lands without these life threatening problems. We have unexpected problems, therefore we doubt the Lord is with us.)Again they kept their focus narrowed on how they thought God should do His job, and were not open to learning about, understanding and living with joyous appreciation of the far better, eternally better, gifts they were offered. He did provide, but for many those gifts did not lead to the promised lands. Many did die miserably wandering in a wilderness. Sobering things to consider. It creates, for me, a wonderful visual to evaluate what is going into the questions I put to the Lord. When I feel that life has become somewhat barren and dreary, I often find what is in my questions are similar to those of the Israelites - more focused on instructing the Lord than learning from him. It is a challenging habit to break, this leveling of accusations in the form of question, but it is possible and it gets easier. Just as I learned from that bishop so long ago, the first step is to search His words. In them the Lord himself repeatedly tells us how to do it. On the day the Isrealites left Egypt they were instructed:
Remember this day...for by the strength of hand the Lord brought you out from this place. (Exodus 13:13 also see Deuteronomy 32:7)
When that is what is in and behind my questions - well it makes all the difference.
